That lovin' feeling

Oy, I know it’s been a little while since I’ve written. I’ve been distracted by a slew of marital issues and such, and so I’ve sort of dropped the ball in trying to keep sane and my head above water in all of this. I will not delve too deep into the martial issues, as there are some things that don’t belong on my blog. But, there have been things and events that I’ve had to deal with.

I love fall. I love parts of it, I love fall when it’s warm and pretty when the sun wraps its wisps of rays around the Iowa area as it slips away into winter. I love it when it’s cooler than 110 in the shade. I don’t really love it when it’s unshakeably cloudy and rainy. This fall, I really feel like we got kicked in the head with “HEY, IT’S AUTUMN! “. The weather is cooler, the clouds are oppressive, and the sense of impending doom and hopelessness is creeping in. After a very slow start to the summer, and then a rocky summer, I’m not exactly ready for this already. But it is what it is, and I can no more stop that than I can stop the wind from blowing. So, I try to just make the best of every day and go from there.

I’ve found myself in a horrid juxtaposition between things in life. I feel like I’m clinging to a spiked wall that’s above a lava pit, and that although I’m stabilizing, the lava is getting awfully hot. I’m going to have to work on things and do things that I don’t really want to do. This is why some people avoid therapy. It’s hard. It really forces one to sit down and assess what they are doing and where they are going in life, and the main lesson that I have learned is: “Everything you know is wrong.” Whew, that one is a hard pill to swallow. I’ve made some great progress, but sheesh! IT. DOESN’T. END. Sometimes, I just want to take the whole bottle of whatever it is that I can find to go to sleep and forget about it all.

Now, for those that know me personally, and for those who don’t, the subject I am about to broach next is a bit on the tricky side. It’s kind of sticky, but it’s something that also must be talked about. It is a piece of the mental health puzzle. It’s a matter of being comfortable with who I am, what I’m doing, and where I’m going in life.

I am bisexual.

I’ve already dodged all of the rotten tomatoes, so thank you. You can just put them in the trash, thankyouverymuch.

There is a huge stigma attached to “The B Word”. It comes from both sides of the spectrum, and this stigma is what sort of sent me back into the closet. It’s a comfort thing. If people ask me point-blank, I’ll tell them. Or, if I’m *REALLY* comfortable with the person, I’ll come out. I don’t openly wear my rainbow (or purple triangles) on my sleeve, but it’s there. No, I’m not going to make out with you because you’re a girl. No, I’m not going to hit on you. No, I’m not going to have a threesome for your boyfriend. No, I haven’t had 100 partners. I’m not promiscuous. I’m not a freak. At the risk of being disowned by certain parts of my family, I am attracted to women. Not all women. Just like I’m not attracted to all men. I’m not going to explain myself. I’m not going to apologize for myself.

I am what I am. I am who I am. I’m not ashamed of it. I am still the same person I was ten minutes ago before you clicked open my blog and I came out to the internet. Sexuality is something that is complicated and fluid. It happens. Unfortunately, I do anticipate a few “Un-Friends” on Facebook. I should hope that anybody that I talk to, associate with, and/or am FB friends with won’t get freaked out by my admission to bisexuality and decide that I’m not worthy of associating with. If anybody DOES really and legitimately feel that they SIMPLY CANNOT TALK TO A WOMAN THAT HAPPENS TO LIKE SOME OTHER WOMEN (OMG! SCREAM! The Horror!) and decides that THAT will be the one and only deciding factor in whether or not to take me off their “Friend” list, then don’t let the door hit your ass on the way out.

ALL of that being said, sexuality is situationally complex. So, I really don’t like it when I have crushes on females. Why? As nice as it is, it’s fucking complicated. Why? Because the vast majority of females are NOT bisexual or lesbian, and there really IS NO WAY TO TELL. We don’t all have pink patches to wear on our clothes to say “Hey, You’re on my Gay-Dar! NEAT!”

AND MY GOD, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M GOING TO BLOG ABOUT THIS!!! AT THE RISK OF BEING DISOWNED BY FAMILY AND FRIENDS, I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M BLOGGING ABOUT THIS!!! WHAT THE HELL?!

So there was a girl. I’d always sorta seen her “around”. I didn’t have a whole lot of contact with her. I still don’t. Somehow, she caught my eye. And I will refer to her as “Mystery Girl”, how I referred to her before I learned her name. {No names here.} I don’t know if she cast a spell on me or what, but after awhile, I feel head-over-heels.

I know, I know. I’m not supposed to do that. She’s a girl. I’m a girl. NOT cool. I’m into guys too.

When I was younger, a teenager, I remember saying very adamantly: “I’m straight as an arrow, but sure as hell NOT narrow!” I openly accepted the idea of the GLBT movement, despite my severely homophobic best friend. The main subject of her conversation was about gay people, and how bad it was to be gay. That’s the bulk of what I remember about this girl. In fact, her conversation was so heavily laden with homophobia that I discussed this with ANOTHER friend, and we both wondered if this original friend was indeed, a lesbian. The original friend was SO FREAKED OUT by our open lesbian gym teacher. I thought it was ridiculous. I had NO problem with it. I didn’t actually know anybody that was openly gay at that point, but I seriously could have given less than a shit.

What I IGNORED was my own discomfort with women. Especially women of alternative sexuality. I could not openly figure out why, for the life of me, WHY WHY WHY when I heard of an internet friend being bisexual and making out with a girl, that it made me SO DAMN UNCOMFORTABLE? I had to literally convince myself several times over “Okay, that GUY is REALLY HOT! LOOK AT THAT GUY” I would spend a lot of time avoiding looking at women because I was straight. Why was I looking at this woman? And why did she look so… pretty? There was that one girl in my freshman Spanish class that I felt REALLY weird when I found out that I’d been eyeing her, and she was, indeed a girl. (My defense to myself was: “She LOOKS like a cute boy! Dammit! a BOY!”)

I remember a cool fall or winter night when I was a teenager. I was sitting by the piano watching an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation with my dad. I looked at Dana Troy (Miranda Sirtis), and I had to look away because she was so pretty… I desperately looked at all of the male characters in the rest of the episode because I was straight, there was no reason why I should have felt that twinge. I just about had a panic attack that night. When I was alone, I looked out the living room window and started crying. I cried myself to sleep that night.

I had markers. Flags. Clues as to what was going on. But, I never actually openly addressed this aspect of myself. Especially NOT in middle or high school. I would have been chewed up and spit out. I was barely outwardly comfortable around guys (I’m still kinda awkward on this one…). Let alone girls. So, I maintained that I was, indeed, straight. I liked guys, I was pretty open about liking boys, and all was cool. All was right with the world. What wasn’t cool was these “abnormal” twinges I felt occasionally when I met or saw particular girls. “DO *NOT* GO TO PHASE 2! I REPEAT! DO *NOT* GO TO PHASE 2!!! DON’T YOU DARE! NOT COOL!”

Fast forward to the summer after high school. I figured it out. I watched a movie that changed my life forever. It was called “Get Real.” It was coming of age story about a nerdy guy that falls for a jock. Jock likes guy back. They have private affair, etc. I do highly recommend watching it. But, it got me to thinking about things. And it got me thinking seriously about WHY I would find myself so damn uncomfortable at certain times around certain… people (women). And it struck me like a bolt of lightning.

It was a huge weight off of my shoulders. I didn’t have to have panic attacks at night because I found somebody attractive and that she happened to be female. I wanted to scream to the world “HEY, WORLD! GUESS WHAT?! I’M BISEXUAL AND I LIKE IT!! TAKE THAT!” My first semester of college, that’s about exactly what I did. I was pretty open about being bisexual. It’s cool to be “Out and Proud”, but sometimes, even in a liberal bubble, discretion must be used. Over the years, I learned that keeping quiet about that in the workplace definitely worked to my benefit. And that if I let people get to know me first, then it wasn’t such a big deal. Still, though, there is definitely a stigma attached to “The B Word.” I’ve heard SO many times: “Well, WHO do you marry? A man or a woman?” “Cool! Will you do a threesome!?” …etc… “You’re NOT straight! EW!” “You’re NOT a lesbian! EW!” So, it’s very difficult to be squashed in the middle. It is what it is. I can appreciate an exotic beauty and sensuality about a woman that it otherwise unexplainable. I’m attracted to guys. I’m attracted to girls. It’s just me. There’s nothing I can do to change it, and I don’t want to.

The only thing that I *DO* want to change, however, is that when I *DO* find myself in a situation where I find somebody so drop-deadly attractive, that I’m able to TALK to this person, and get to KNOW them.

Phoebe's Favorite (Phavorite?): Asparagus Medley with Cashews

Over the summer when I was staying with my family in Connecticut, my sister and I would always get hungry at the same time every afternoon. The women in my family share uncanny similarities in cravings and body type: for example, each one from my grandmother to my sister (myself included) craves ice-cold water first thing in the morning. Strange how certain things can be passed down.

Anyway, I’d been interested in cooking with asparagus, and decided to try it one July afternoon. Because it wasn’t asparagus season anymore, we added red peppers to counteract the bitterness of the asparagus. The best asparagus is harvested around April. It’s a good idea to stock up on locally grown, pesticide-free asparagus in April and freeze it right away. It will keep, and if you use frozen asparagus, you can snap the spears into pieces and throw them right into the pan; you don’t have to worry about letting them thaw!

May is a great time of year for this dish because it welcomes summer in a great way as a before-dinner snack or a meal’s side dish (try pairing it with chicken or another light meat, and remember, meat should be treated as a side dish rather than the main course.) Of course, during this time of year, there’s no better way to greet an Indian summer!

Recipe after the jump…

BUY THESE:

6 – 8 spears asparagus

approx. 15 green beans

1 fresh red pepper

2 garlic cloves (minced)

extra virgin olive oil

butter 

a handful or two of unsalted cashews (for garnishing)

freshly grated Parmesan cheese (for garnishing)

1 bottle white wine, chilled

 

DO THIS:

1. Chop asparagus and green beans into bite-size pieces. Meanwhile, heat the oil and a few pats of butter in a frying pan. 

2.Chop the red pepper pretty finely. There shouldn’t be too much; just enough to add exciting color to all that green. Also, mince the garlic, and then toss everything you just chopped into the heated oil and butter. 

3. While that simmers over low heat, put a handful of unsalted cashews into a Ziploc bag, sealing it tightly. Make sure there aren’t any air pockets. Using a corked bottle of white wine, crush the cashews finely by rolling the bottle over the Ziploc bag, like a rolling pin (a la that girl Tasha and Alice had a joint crush on in Season 6 of ‘The L Word.’ A genius and a hottie!) Yes, yes, you could technically use an actual rolling pin, but this way you get to drink the wine afterward!

4. Smell what’s cooking in the pan to figure out what else it needs. More butter? More garlic? Trust your nose and add ingredients accordingly.

5. When the veggies are just barely soft — and very brightly colored — sprinkle half of the crushed cashews over the mixture and let it sit for a minute or two, turning a couple of times. Don’t leave them alone for too long, however; you don’t want the cashew pieces to get soft. 

6. Serve hot! Sprinkle with grated Parmesan cheese. Keep the Parm and crushed cashews nearby; it’s nice to have more halfway through.

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love casts out fear

So as usual, I’ve been meaning to update. Last I left off, I was seriously praying about coming out to my parents…again. But given my mom’s health and my god-grandmother’s funeral, I wasn’t sure if it would be the right timing when I went home for a wedding on Labor Day weekend. I flew home a bit anxious, but leaning more on the side of at least starting the conversation again. I wasn’t even sure how to bring it up and was praying that something would happen naturally. God is good to me, b/c He gave me a good opportunity to start the conversation. On Sunday, my mom and I played hookey from church (I had enough of answering people’s questions about my mom’s health at the wedding the prior day). My mom was relaxing in bed around 9am and I joined her. We were lounging in bed and watching the US Open and chitchatting. Our conversation wandered to a mutual friend we know and my mom told me that he’s struggled with homosexuality (which was news to me at the time). I saw my door, and I took it. I told her that it upsets me that the church condemns homosexuals and forces them into dark closets where they may end up doing dangerous and/or damaging things to themselves and loved ones. We discussed homosexuality and the church for a bit (she talked a bit about how God’s standard is for a man and a woman to be together and anything altered from that (homosexuality, divorce, single parent homes, single people) occurred after the fall and isn’t God’s standard but isn’t necessarily a sin/wrong. This conversation was so different from the first time we spoke about it. My mom wasn’t giving me black or white answers. In fact, she refused to. It was almost like she didn’t want to take a complete, firm stand.

Then my mom said that she and my dad just want me to be happy. They want to see me married and happy. I asked her if they’d be happy if I married someone they didn’t like. She said, “as long as you’re happy.” Then I asked, “What if I wanted to marry a woman?” That’s when my mom curled up in a ball into the covers and said (sort of cutely), “I’m not ready to talk about that.” I asked her if we’re going to be like a typical Chinese family and not talk about major issues and ignore them to keep the peace. She said, “no…I’m just not ready yet.” So instead, we continued the conversation about homosexuality and God and the Church w/o directly talking about me and what I’m dealing with. I know I need to respect my mom’s space and what she’s ready for. The last thing I want to do is dump the gay bag on her and run away leaving her and dad to deal with everything on their own. I love them and want them in my life for as long as possible. The conversation ended without any tension or controversy and was a GREAT way to open the door to more discussion.

While I was at home I really wanted to speak with an auntie from church that I grew up with. I respect her opinions and wisdom and I know she loves both me and my parents. She would be the first parental like authority figure I tell from home (other than my parents obviously). I loved that when I told her she didn’t even bat an eye. No judgment from her. She listened while I told her everything – EVERYTHING! Including about my girlfriend. She suggested that I tell my parents as soon as I could but we also spoke about homosexuality and Christianity. She has the same views as my parents (which isn’t surprising since she goes to our church and my parents teach there). She brought up and interesting comparison. She said she has 2 different hand blenders with 2 different sets of blades. Each set of blades are made for that particular hand blender but it’s possible to mix and match. However, if you do, they tend not to work as well. It’ll work, but not as good as when they’re used with the hand blender they’re made for. I think what bothers me most about this whole “God’s standard is for a man and a woman to be together” is that if that was the case – Christians should condemn divorce, single parents, and people who choose to be single/never marry (which – wouldn’t priests/nuns/monks be in this category as well??) just as much as homosexuals b/c they’re also not fulfilling God’s standard. My point isn’t that those things are wrong – but that the Bible has been interpreted so differently over the centuries. Depending on what time period you live in, the Bible was used to validate what it as used to condemn a century before. I’m getting off topic here, though I’ll talk about this in another post – which will probably be in another friggin month.

After talking to my auntie, I was just mentally exhausted (I spoke to her the same day I spoke with my mom). I didn’t get to talk with my dad, but I assume that my mom probably talked to him (I wouldn’t assume the same if I talked to my dad, though). We didn’t talk about it again for the rest of my short trip home. A few days later, back in NY, my mom emails me (cc’s my dad). She said she was glad we had our talk but then mentioned that her old college roommate (who’s white) dated a black guy in college. And the gist of this story was that she dated him to be rebellious against her father and to be different. I responded and said that I don’t know her that well, but from what I know of her, she doesn’t seem like the type of person to do that. And, in any case, if she brought up her story to compare to me, I told her that I am not the way I am to rebel against her or God and that I’m certainly not doing it to be different. For goodness sake! I would prefer to be straight just b/c everything is easier! I’m already different enough being a woman of color – I don’t need another thing to add to my card. I asked her if I could send her and dad some books that I’ve been reading about being gay and Christian. I respect their authority and wisdom. I know that they’ve studied at seminary and know more about the Bible than I probably do. So I want to see what they think when they read these books that say that homosexuality is not a sin. A week or so later I get a call from her. She just wanted to just chitchat but I eventually asked her if she got my email. She got strangely sheepish again and said, “I like how our relationship is now. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize it.” I told her that if we love and respect each other that we should be able to be open and honest with each other w/o judgment or condemnation. She agreed with me. I asked again if I could send her books and she was very receptive to the idea and almost welcomed them.

I sent her 3 books – all of which I’ll talk about in future posts. So I’m glad that the conversation has started but I’m certainly not going to rush things. I sensed that my mom was scared to lose our close relationship again. At least one question is answered: no matter what, my parents will love me – so no disowning will occur…I feel like my mom (and hopefully this means dad, too) is more open to what I’m feeling. I feel like they’ve fully released me to God and aren’t trying to control me and my every move. This is definitely a step in the right direction. I feel less scared and the tunnel looks a little less dark. Love truly does cast out all fear.

Boston on a Saturday Night

I believe I’ve established the fact that I love Boston.  I grew up in NY and spent time in Manhattan, but seriously..no comparison for me, I prefer Boston.  But anyway Saturday night we had tickets to  a preseason Bruins game, so we went into town for dinner then the game,  got off the T at downtown  crossing and bummed around a little…downtown crossing is primarily huge department stores and carts selling dead things on a stick

                                                 

while walking over to the Garden we got to watch the finish of a few hundred speeding cyclists right though the center of town.  Those  people are brave, there zooming along at about 40mph in a crowd of about 50 other cyclists crammed in a 15 foot wide lane…if one person falls or clips another imagine what a colossal human pile up that would create?  I’m sticking with running seems less dangerous…we ended up having dinner at a place called Hurricane O’Reillys, it was alright, primarily I was there to drink beer not to eat so much.  And trust me its hard to go to restaurants and try to find some decent vegetarian food, plus no dairy, OY Ive got to bring my own garden burgers!

On to the Bruins and ice hockey.  We had fantastic seats, the same seats we had for the Madonna concert

                                                         

7 rows off of the ice!  Currently I am begging my girlfriend to get us tickets for the Halloween game, its on Saturday afternoon….what a blast!  As we were watching the game, my horrible sistah kept texting me about how the Red Sox were losing to NY…I cannot care about baseball when I am seeing ice hockey, there is just no possible way, hockey gets 100% of the attention.  We ended up leaving during the third period,,being that my girlfriend is willing to go to the Halloween game I am thinking she enjoyed herself, it was alot of fun and we had many good chuckles!

 

We watched the Patriots win yesterday…yeah, pretty much who cares.  Then watched the remake of Pelham 123…the original was a fantastic movie, this new one with John Travolta was alright, and Im not one of those people who think all originals are better then remakes (johnny Depp as Willy Wonka fabulous) but it just seemed to be missing something…cant figure out what it is though and dont care enough to try.

Kettlebell workout yesterday was good, got the hour cardio in then, being there were really no new people in class (Sunday is an introductory class) out instructor worked us like he does in Thursdays class, in other words, I am sore.  He worked the legs heavy introducing a new hammie stretch….I am feeling it today, still looking forward to the home workout tomorrow, I am starting to see more improvements in my strength and even in my endurance, although I believe the endurance and how I feel during my workouts have alot to do with cutting out meat.  I’m telling you eat no meat or dairy for 2 weeks and I will guarantee you will fell better.

 

And the count down begins...

For what? I’m not quite sure. Maybe its the start of school, again, tomorrow morning. Or, maybe its to the first step towards the happiness I hope to achieve. Maybe its the count down to my fears of which I will take by the reigns and give them a swift talking to. I’m thinking now on something my girlfriend said about her writing class. She could only get B’s and C’s on papers in her writing class until she wrote a paper entitled “how to pick up women” in which she used her personality to lead the way, rather than structure. This paper received an A. I read it long ago and I remember it being distinctly good. Almost too good, as if it should have been published in the NY Times. Today is my day. Before school starts I am going to produce as much good as possible and plan to the best of my abilities. And maybe even create a post secret. I want to tell you about all of the horrific things my girlfriend revealed to me in a letter yesterday but I’m trying to stay positive today. On a dark day I shall share. To summarize, however, I am a selfish turd and I am completely insecure. Cool. Only I had no idea. Apparently all things mentioned in the letter were truths, though a bit exaggerated. This is fine with me. I have decided it is better she share her bathos feelings rather than keep them up inside where they can fester and attach to untruths leading to ultimate doom. 4 hours of sleep, a cup of Canadian tea, and a bathrobe. I’m set for the day!