Holy shit. So, yesterday morning I’m dropping Hailey and our little one off at her work, and she informs me that she is going to go to her school library to meet up with her group to work on a project which she wouldn’t elaborate on. As I am about to leave, she tells me the rest of the group won’t make it, and that it’s only going to be her and the girl she has a crush on (who looks like Ingrid Michaelson). Nice. That’s one of those comments that are like time bombs. She pulled the pin right as I left, and BOOM! My whole day is messed up because I have nothing but worse-case scenarios running through my head (which is why open, honest communication is so nice: no need to be left thinking the worst).
I was a mess the entire day. Was she even going to go to her school? She’s been not really showing much care for her schoolwork lately, so it could totally possibly be she really wants to get back into it, and it’s totally possible that she wants to hook up with someone really bad and will use any excuse to make it happen. She hasn’t been convincing me of her love and commitment lately, so when she texted me later that she wants to “go to the library” once a week, I get even more wrecked. Does she have absolutely no love for me whatsoever? If she really did love me, I would love to see her at the library or coffeeshop or wherever working on her schoolwork or just plain old taking some time for herself. Once a week, twice, great! Go out with friends? Awesome! She so needs to lighten up and loosen up. She’s wound up so tight. But to respond to ads looking for sex and then to never apologize for it or attempt to show (with actions, not words) that she feels bad for her mistakes and still loves me and wants to marry me – I don’t feel too hot about her going to “study” one on one with a chick she totally wants to do.
I am completely suspicious of what happened last night, because when she came back, she was all about nagging and fighting with me. On top of that, to add insult to injury, she says she’s not responsible for the fight, and that I am the one who was all ready to jump down her throat the moment she walked in. I was quietly lying in bed! Then, this morning as I’m driving her to work, she goes on to give me an impression that there is nothing she likes about me or us. What the mother fucking fuck?
She says she doesn’t like me now because I have just recently started to not hold back. Before, I would shove my balls up my vagina and just take her intensity and anger and frustration and bouts of tantrums. I would just take it. Now that I’m actually talking back, she’s got a problem with me. A friend of mine once recently told me that girls think they want the spineless “nice-guy” until they have one and realize that they have no respect for them – and that’s no fun. Is it too late for me? Have I gone too long without respect for myself as the spineless nice-guy? Will she never have respect for me? Or does she still need to feel a sense of power and authority in all areas of her life out of insecurity?
Anyway, her giving me the beat down last night and today kind of waves red flags, like venting anger and hostility towards me is her way of dealing with her guilt from cheating and/or her confusion of not knowing what she wants, since she spent a nice time with someone new (remember her desire to feel the excitement of new love) whom she is totally hot for. Whatever it is, I feel beat. I miss her. I miss when she loved me and wanted to be with me and was happy with me and wasn’t so confused.
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