Gone are the simpler times when one woman packs her bags and walks out the door, thus ending the relationship. Makes you wish for the good old days, before domestic partnerships, artificial insemination, and civil ceremonies/weddings became part of the lesbian landscape. I got an email yesterday from a friend who received mediation papers emailed to her by her partner.
When she told me about the mediation papers, I wasn’t even certain what that meant. She explained to me that her partner wants a divorce and now they have to decide on the details of that separation; where shared property, living wills and trusts, and a child are involved. In spite of their beautiful wedding ceremony, they aren’t legally married, so they don’t have to be legally divorced. But that does not mean they don’t have a lot of legal stuff to figure out.
This particular couple seemed to have it all. Together twelve years, they got married with a huge reception and even seemed to break down some barriers along the way, as many of their right-wing relatives showed up for the affair. It made me wonder if my southern, white-bread clan would be that gracious if I ever had the nerve to get married in such a public way.
Then they went through the emotional roller coaster of getting pregnant. The partner who did not give birth adopted the child and changed her name to make everything legally tidy for their new family, sperm donor excluded, of course. It makes me want to cry now, as I see this model lesbian family, who I have been very close to for over a decade, start down the same treacherous road of divorce that so many heterosexual couples have gone down before.
When I broke-up with my last girlfriend of seven years, it was a complicated affair. There were no children involved, notwithstanding the four-legged variety. Oddly enough, I miss the dog and cat I gave up in the divorce more than my ex, and am now forced to shower my new girlfriend’s three dogs with any residual affection. I did end up bringing my long-haired dachshund to my new life, and she is adapting very well to her new step sisters and brother. So now I have four dogs/children. Who says mixed families don’t work.
My ex and I owned real estate together and were close enough in size that we shared a lot of clothes, most of which I purchased, since my ex did not like to shop. So when I left, I was stripped of half my wardrobe, as I could not bear the thought of her running around rotating the same three of four outfits for a year os so until her next partner could pick up where I left off.
Oddly enough, we seemed to argue more over the clothes than the real estate. She still emails me and asks about this belt or that blouse and I have stopped responding after six months, as I refuse to continue searching for $20 items that she can easily replace and that I purchased for her in the first place.
Call me a traitor, but lesbian breakups are worse than heterosexual ones most of the time. I know, many of you don’t agree. That’s why this is a blog entry and not a scientific paper published in the New England Journal of Medicine. So, deal with it already.
Back in the day while I was still coming to terms with my true identity, I left my husband. Trust me. It was easier leaving him than any woman I have left since. He didn’t cry, threaten suicide or even beg. He also never showed up at my new house drunk asking for forgiveness like two of the women I left did. To make matters worse, I made a bed up for one of them on my sofa as I was worried about her driving home in her condition, only to have her crawl into bed in the middle of the night with me and my new girlfriend. Messy stuff. I still giggle over that today, but my new girlfriend was not amused at the time.
When two females break up there is simply way too much estrogen involved. Even the most butchy lesbian turns into a complete drama queen when rejected. It’s not pretty. Even without the lipstick, we’re all still women underneath.
As a career lesbian with far too many breakups under my belt, I can truthfully say that all the legal stuff that we go through now makes breakups even worse. Back in my twenties, once I walked out that door, it was over. There were no closings to attend, no Cobra issues from sharing insurance as a domestic partner, and no wedding albums to be tucked away discreetly as we started dating again.
Maybe lesbians should stop trying to be so much like heterosexual couples. Maybe we should keep our property in separate names at least. When a child is involved, it gets messy, but in terms of property, it makes things more simple. Then when, or if that terrible day comes, you can make a dramatic and romantic exit, bags packed and wind in your hair as you leave her for your next adventure without so much as a glance back.
No comments:
Post a Comment