WHAT TO DO ABOUT HOMOPHOBIC FAMILIES

Hello there:

I am hoping you can help me and my partner with his parents.  We’ve been a couple for more than a year now and they refuse to invite me to any of their family events.  They say that if I go, they won’t.  So my partner doesn’t know what to do.  He is close to his family but they just don’t accept our relationship.  What can we do?

Distraught,

Tim

Dear Tim:

Yes, you are in a painful and difficult position here.  It is always terribly unfortunate when family members can not be open to their loved ones.

Often LGBT people think that if they rock the boat too much, love and acceptance will be withheld.  When family members exhibit homophobia and try to exclude the LGBT person’s partner from the family, such as in your experience, it creates great upset.  You and your partner probably feel angry and hurt that his family is so closed minded.  Your partner may also feel that if he stands up to these attitudes, things will become worse and he may lose their love.

As I have said before in this column, my overwhelming experience with gay and lesbian clients is that the vast majority of family members will not ultimately disown their beloved.  They may kick and scream, carry on in this way or that, but when an the gay or lesbian person puts their foot down, believes in themselves and holds to their knowing that they deserve respect for who they are, family members will begin to change.

Likely, your partner’s family love him and they won’t want to lose him either.  Family members can be jerks about not wanting to accept diversity, but when they’re up against the wall and see that if they do not become more flexible, their beloved might just not come home.  When this happens, it’s surprising how families begin to open and adjust.

They’ll be more work to do in repairing this situation, but this is the hardest first step.  So my advice to you and your partner Tim, is to call their bluff.  Don’t go to the family gatherings.  See what happens.  You’ll most likely be surprised.  Should they behave otherwise, contact me again.

Best of luck to you both!

Tetty