Oct 25th 2009
Today has been a good day…I’m very grateful for that indeed! I feel like I’m back in the light, back to life and back to being my self once again…Today has been a relaxing and yet productive day. I did my grocery shopping for the week and found most of the stuff I needed was on sale, so that wasn’t so bad *smile* It was nice weather for Mia and I to go for a long enjoyable walk together…I’ve played my guitar, read, and talked to friends on the phone and laughed a whole bunch too…It turns out my Sunshine (Mom) didn’t leave today and we made a fantastic Italian dinner (my fave) together as well…It was healthy and delicious, what more could a person ask for!
Tomorrow, I have my SLAA (12 step) meeting…I missed last week, which is something I haven’t done before. And I can honestly say I missed going. I missed the people also, they have become a part of me, like family I suppose…However, I wasn’t aware of any of this until this week, when I didn’t go…Which raises the question in my mind, does everything truly happen for a reason? And you know what? I suppose it does…I thought I was falling backwards into the abyss last week, only to comprehend that I’m in Divine hands after all…Although my infinitesimal mind couldn’t even begin to grasp God’s infinite wisdom…In fact, nothing favorable could possibly be expected when I’m arrogant enough to think otherwise…And yet, I often do…
I look forward to going back to work tomorrow as well…I do enjoy most of the people who ride on my bus, and the ones that I don’t appreciate, teach me some much-needed patience, if nothing else good comes from it, there is that…Actually, some of them honestly get on my last nerve…The worst ones are the sorority girls, I would rather shoot myself in the head on some days than have to be subjected to their voices and witless conversations…Then there’s the people I see 20 times a day, and of course they have bicycles or baby carriages and 25 kids in tow…Okay perhaps that was a slight exaggeration but I swear it feels that way sometimes…These particular people will ride the bus until the wheels come off *ugh* I drop them off on one side of the street, just to come back around to the other side, and there they are AGAIN! They take forever getting on and they take even longer getting off…Last week I was in no mood either and typically I don’t yell at them, but last week I sure did *smiling out loud* And then I have the ones that every single day come running to the bus stop at the last second or from a distance and you know, usually I find it somewhere in my heart to wait for them…Last week not so much! LOL If I did wait, oh man! They probably would’ve wished that I didn’t after all…
Sometimes…I wish I could just hang a note around my neck that says, yes, most days I don’t mind spoiling all of you! I meant of course, more than you already are…HOWEVER some days I’m just not in the mood for it and you need to be at the bus stop on time or else! *chuckle* But during the week of the flowing river of femininity, I’m incapable of knowing my moods from one moment to the next so how could I expect those poor kids to know what to do?
I do have one passenger that makes my whole day complete though, each day she makes me happy, bad mood or not…She always puts a smile on my face and I really look forward to seeing her, and most days I do see her, without fail…She absolutely makes me melt inside, like I could slide right off my seat actually *hubba hubba* I think she could be from Chile or possibly Brazil? She is delicately beautiful. She seem’s very kind, sensitive, and completely unaware of how beautiful she is…She is soft-spoken and rather quiet…Yet, I can decipher that’s she is quite taken with me indeed…But! Oh God…I just try not to look at her most of the time or I say as little to her as possible…But you know, she stares at me and smiles so sweetly, and when she gets off the bus she always looks back at me and smiles, trying to make eye contact again…She is simply beautiful…I think of her often during the day and sometimes when I’m drifting off to sleep…And it just makes my day to see her and be in her presence for a moment or two…I’m deeply flattered by her attention, but I can never let her know this, nor can I allow her to be any closer to me than that…Although I would love to be in a blissful state of mind about all of this and completely unaware of the damage done from the last time I followed my heart down a very similar path…
Haven’t I learned this lesson once already!
I went so long (years) without feeling any chemistry with anybody and now this, again? I’ve driven the bus going on 9 years now and I’ve been asked out by some very beautiful people and some not so very beautiful people…And while yes, I do love to flirt, I had no trouble whatsoever NOT crossing the line with any of these people, a very inappropriate line, as I’ve always looked at it before…I even had to have one guy removed from riding my bus entirely, I just couldn’t get rid of him no matter how mean and cruel I was to him. And it’s not in my usual nature to be that way either…
But chemistry is something else all together…I have many very attractive and beautiful people around me all day at work, we chat and laugh…That’s it! Truthfully I don’t even notice people by outwardly appearances much…If you’ve seen one beautiful half-naked girl walking around campus, you’ve seen a million more of them and they all start to look the same after awhile…They start to sound the same too…And quite frankly I don’t find them very attractive, no matter how outwardly beautiful they may be…It takes something other than that for me in particular…I shall never become a rocket scientist or cure cancer but I’m fairly intelligent in my own witty way and it takes a certain amount (quite a bit) of intelligence to capture my heart…Also, kindness, compassion for others and enough self-confidence to get me to actually notice these things about you in the first place…I love and adore a Woman that knows what she wants and then pursues it…Well, of course if the object of her desire is available to be pursued that is…There is honor to also be considered, which is of the utmost importance as well…
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