I’m not a closet lez. This is something I should explain early on cause I don’t want you assuming I hide my Bad Girls box sets away everytime my Mom comes to visit. I’m just not an obvious hair gel and camo shorts kinda dyke, so these things take explaining.
My first ever crush was Macaulay Culkin. I saw him in Home Alone on a pirate video when I was about 9 and I was a gal posessed. I hid a little drawstring bag with teddy bears on under my bed, full of magazine clippings I collected like a freak. It would be the kind of stash that, if belonging to an adult, would tip off an entire paedophile ring. Seriously, anything Mac related I could get my mitts on I silently cut out with crimped scissors and folded into tiny squares. The teddy bear bag was a tombola of 10 year old baby-faced prizes. I never even looked at them, I was too scared my Dad would walk in and see what a freak I was. I just carried on stashing, not even telling my friends about my crush.
I believed that I would genuinely become his girlfriend if I tried hard enough. I went to acting lessons every week, wrote romantic raps we could duet on and wrote sequels to Home Alone where I became Kevin Mcallister’s devious and loveable British cousin, and we threw paint pots at those jewish robbers.
It was all a bit fucked up. I didn’t really know what sex was, but my first hot dream consisted of me and Macaulay in a doctors examination room, he was helping me trying to insert a tampon and we had matching mittens. That was the taboo extent my pre-teen brain could manage. Pretty risqué yeah?
In the end I told these two chinese twins in my class that I was obsessed with him. They laughed and bought me in a poster from Smash Hits of Macaulay standing next to Michael Jackson at Disney Land. I had a massive sense of relief, my terrible obsessive secret was out there with Ling and Sue, and nobody thought it was bizarre.
I got a bit sick of Macualay after Home Alone 2 was made – not the version I wrote which was WAY superior - he started brushing his hair back and I discovered Shane from Boyzone was more of a hunk. I threw the teddy bear bag away and stopped watching My Girl every evening, I stopped trying to recreate his exact facial expression in the famous ‘Home Along scream’ and even put my copy of The Pagemaster into the lost property bin at school.
Then a million years later I saw this
and nearly ejaculated on the spot. What the fuck? I wish I’d NEVER thrown the teddy bear bag away. How dare my first ever obsessive crush make a reappearance years into my full blown queer life? FUCK HIM.
Thank god Party Monster was such a pile of cliche shit, otherwise I might be taking up those acting lessons again and writing letters to Mac’s agent demanding we re-think my ‘Home Alone and Horny’ adult movie pitch.
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