Now the years after graduating from high school and the years beginning college (because I took a 2 year hiatus) were kinda of a blur. Working from job to job and just getting by until my younger sister, sister S, graduated from high school and asked me to go to school with her.
Now I had applied to two schools before taking my hiatus. One was a fashion school in NYC and the other was in another school at the southwest tip of New York. I got into both and was deciding to go to the fashion school but things were impeding me to arrive to the school when they needed me to show for testing and what not. Therefore I did not go to either school. Now the school sister S was interested in going to is a Christian school. A christian private school that was on News Weeks 100th best schools. It is a GREAT school, it has great morals, wonderful people… yadda, yadda, yadda…
Once I started school there when I was 20 I started to realize how truly wrong it was to lust after women, to crave women, and to watch pornography. Yes as a women I was very interested in porn. Honestly I am still interested in it. If I’m putting my stuff out in the open why not just do it and put it ALL out there!
Apparently I had not been upholding the standards that I was supposed to as a Christian girl. Yet nonetheless I came out of my shell. I started to become more outgoing, more relaxed with myself, funny, and well liked. I finally felt I some what belonged. I felt during my high school years no one understood me because I had to always wear skirts and I was ridiculed about it. But in college I was accepted for who and what I was (well at the time). These years I believe have been my most dissatisfying and joyous years by far.
The first few years I think I didn’t care as to what I looked like, who I befriended, what my grades were and just of who I was. I was just a fresh person on this new campus in a new world! So I took it in as much as I could! But slowly, looking back now, I realize how much the school thrusts upon us to get married have children and be happy. That’s all…
Even though I was there to get an education it felt it was more guided with who was dating who, and for how long. There was even a running joke. That many women only came to the school to get their M.R.S. degree. Which is sad! I had never heard of that term until I started going to that school. Also why would you claim that ALL women that go to that school only come to get that degree. It was as if that was the only reason to go if you were a woman.
Well as naive as I used to be I was so excited that it could happen but never once did I actually go out and look for someone to date. I wasn’t interested. Nor am I interested still to get that M.R.S. degree unless the laws change and I can actually marry a woman.
But I had become that girl that the school wanted me to become. The meek, servant of God, loved by all, while being sweet and charming. But those weren’t the only parts of me. I had more. Much more lurking in the dark (as people want to think). I had so many doors in my soul that I had kept secret. That I had barred with anything and everything so that I would never look at or even approach. I was scared to pretend that they were even there. So I tried not to think of things that would make our wonderful God angry.
Yet this following year all that changed. I evolved and I became more. With more understanding and with acceptance I transformed.
Well lovies I will leave this post here. I will keep you wanting and come back another day to add to sed story!
~RoMa
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