Dim...

Nov 18th 2009

All I want to do is sleep…I had to make myself get out of bed today, and I’m sitting here wondering what the point of getting up was in the first place? The inside of my brain feel’s so bizarre today…I assume it’s because I’m taking a new antidepressant?

Today, my only wish is for death to come for me and take me away to a better place…Somewhere where I can feel loved, because today I feel completely numb…I can’t even shed a single tear today as a result, and this is a very dangerous sign for me, because I have no way of releasing what’s bound up inside me…I’m not suicidal, I would never take my own life…But at times, I feel like I need physical pain to cope with what’s going on inside of my damaged brain…I have no intentions of turning back into the dark realm of BDSM though…I will just have to keep learning how to undo what’s already been done, but without the desire of escaping my inner pain with feeling physical pain..I’ll never be dominate or submissive to anybody ever again nor will I ever want to be flogged again either…But, how do I fill that void now? Often I ask myself the question, “what am I supposed to do now?” Although the answer is always, that I just need to feel loved…But I feel that I’m hopeless where love is concerned also…Because I know the answer to my own question obviously…But sadly, there is NOT enough love in the world to save me from how I’m feeling at this very moment…I can’t even feel God’s love for me right now…All I feel is this endless void within me, filled with nothingness and emptiness…Meanwhile, I remain broken in spirit and cannot find some inner strength to pull myself back together again…So for today I think loving myself is out of the question as well…Hence, I hope for death…To come for me and erase me from this life…I feel like a cruel trick is being played on me, because one day I’m fine and feeling great and the next day I’m so sad that I’m praying for death…Honestly, I can’t control my thoughts anymore, they control me…I can’t control my moods anymore, and they control me too…I can barely manage to get out of bed to come sit here and express myself…And here (this one and only blog of mine) has become such a dark place lately…My positive thoughts used to heavily out weigh my negative thoughts…And now, not so much…I have my support system to help carry my burdens, but I won’t pick up the phone or reach out for anybody’s help…I can only come here to release everything, where I feel no effort (on my part) is required, and I feel safe…I don’t have to see anybody, I don’t have to talk to anybody and I don’t have to interact with anybody, period…I don’t want anybody to know that I’m this weak right now…I have become so pathetic to myself…I feel helpless and hopeless…If I’m not escaping through sleep, I’m awake and therefore I must to be listening to music to keep my demons at bay…That’s the only thing that help’s me when I’m feeling such loneliness and despair…Music! Although at this very moment, I’m sitting here in silence and I’m attempting to release myself from the internal enemy of depression…By expression…

All that I can do now is end with a prayer…

“Father God and Divine Spirit of Love please come and help me”