Nov 24th 2009
I’m doing very well today…I think the new medication is going to work in my favor…At least so far, so good anyway…I’ve been in a very healthy frame of mind and emotional state the last few days…Reflecting back on last week, perhaps I can already understand the rewards of reaching mental exhaustion so badly…I do believe I finally reached the grieving point and I think that I grieved for a great many reasons…I had years and years of grief too feel my way through…So, I suppose last week was a profound turning point for me after all…I feel a great release has taken place within me…And once again, my decision to recover and transform has brought me to my knees, even to the point where I lost my will to live and desired death much more than life…But! I made it through it, and now in the end I feel as though, all of it was worthwhile…I didn’t die, I’m still here and much stronger than I was before actually…
Unknowingly, one of the most momentous changes too come from last week was the restoration of my heart…I brought my heart back from where it has been, therefore my heart no longer belongs to Bahar, it belongs to me alone…Now that I’ve thoroughly grieved her absence, I’m not concerned whether I ever see or talk to her again or not…Plus, I think about her with much less frequency, which is such a great relief to me considering it free’s up my mind so much…And now my heart is also free to love again whenever I choose to also…I will always care about her and I will always love her sincerely, but otherwise i’ve reached the end of my road, and there will be no going back for me now…As the old saying goes “If you love somebody, set them free. If they return to you, they were always yours to love. If they don’t return, they were never were.” And you know, she would always return to me before I confided in her about my fear of abandonment and after that of course she never did return again…Go figure…And yet for people like me it’s not as simple to erase somebody so easily…This has been a very long and arduous nine months for me since Valentine’s day…And it’s just not in my character to replace a person who I love with another person, just to fill the void…But I can say this much…In the end, the lessons and the wisdom I have gained by loving Bahar is something I will cherish forever and I shall never forget…But I know I’m dead to her and she is gone from me and she is never come back again…And as I’ve heard before…”Don’t ever give up on something or someone who you can’t go a full day without thinking about.” But so much of last week’s pain and misery was about making the choice to give up on her, completely and finally…And so it goes…I’m free, free at last…
Although she walked out of my life, I refuse to allow that to make me cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted to be with the wrong person so much how beautiful it will be when the right one actually does come along…
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