Now what’s next. I should write about my new path. But not yet. I want to write about something else. I want to go more in depth of how much I lived in a fantasy. I’m not sure you understand the gravity of me living in a fantasy world.
I remember when ever I had any free time or had time to just day dream my thoughts would go straight to fantasizing. It was my hobby. I could write books and books about what I day dreamed. In years how much have I fantasized in my life? I would have to say about five years of my life. That’s if you put every minute that I day dream side by side. I would have spent probably more than five years. But I’m giving you an assumption of how much I would day dream.
I remember during recess time I didn’t play with the kids I would go off on my own and day dream. I would even draw obscene drawings about a man and a women having sex. But with my barbie dolls I would have two barbies having sex with one another. The fantasies ran deep within.
I would fall asleep fantasizing and wake up and add to the imagination. It was if I was living in a never ending day dream and my world was what I had to put up with. I lived in an constant bubble. Not letting reality hit me and not allowing myself to get hurt. It was glass menagerie. My illusion that I was living some what of a reality but stayed in my dreams when anything wrong was going on. Never taking responsibility because I didn’t have to. Especially since I had an older sister and two younger that took up my parents time. I just slipped through the cracks and made it by as well as I could. I remember when I was bored in church I would fantasize there too. I didn’t know any better. It was my reality.
I sometimes wonder if I were to go mad would I slip into one of my fantasies and believe it to be reality? If I would forget my family and think that all the celebrities that I have made love to were my loved ones. How much of me was lost in those daydreams? How much of me was lost to the imagination?
I now live in the real world but I still day dream. I still regress into myself right before falling asleep. It helps keep the monsters at bay. What monsters? This is were I try to combine my Christianity.
When I was younger I would feel like there was some kind of presence in my room. I never knew if it was safe or if it was some presence that shouldn’t be around. I have always had some kind of spiritual experience. A year hasn’t gone by in my life when I have had some kind of abnormal experience more like supernatural experience happen to me. Now please understand that I believe that I have been redeemed with the blood of Jesus Christ and I have spoken in tongues.
Well that was then. I don’t know about now…
Anyway I have been baptized, I have danced in the spirit, I had a demon casted out of me, and I have spoken in tongues. I have also given someone a tiny prophesy. I know you might think she is crazy. That there is no way that these things could happen to someone but please believe that I am not crazy and I have had these things happen to me. They are real. If you do not believe that their are demons, angels, or that you have been redeemed by the son of God then stop reading altogether. Stop reading because you might not understand or care for the rest of this post.
There are things I cannot not explain that have happened. That I wish I could scientifically explain and give proof but alas I have none of it. All of my life I’ve had people say “If you just let go He can do great things in your life!” If I could go back to them and say “I have let go not in the way you might have wanted it but what now? What happens to this lost child of His? I am even lost? Or was this the plan all along?” I know that Jesus loves us no matter what. But I have had a huge fight with myself wondering if He does love the ones that have decided to become homosexual. Sure sex can be perverted, if you pervert it. But what if two women or two men have sex in love. Two people of the same sex love each other and are faithful, have been with each other for years with no other partner… Does not God consider a partnership between two straight people that have had sex with only one another to be husband and wife? So would they not be a married couple?
For Christians I’m sorry if this may seem blasphemous but do not preach to me what the doctrine says. Come to me with an open heart and try to explain to me what you think… Not what you know or what it says in black and white. Come to me with open arms and minds and answer me that. Answer me what does God do with those who are born one way but in their heart they know its not. But yet myself who has ran and ran from being a lesbian has had all these spiritual experiences. Experiences where I should have been frightened but I have ran into God’s arms and have been covered.
I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know where else to go with this. This has been one heavy post but it was needed to be said. I will elaborate more on another one. But for now I will leave you with that. Take it in. If its too much, than I’m sorry but this is me. I will not apologize for it anymore. Take it or leave it…
XOXO
~RoMa
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