So, you want to know what you do that bothers me. For a big starter, your complete indifference towards my feelings bothers me a great deal (and not just about yesterday morning’s not caring what kind of day I have). It’s as though you can do whatever the hell you want and I’m supposed to give you roses and ask you to have my babies. Since the end of June you’ve pushed me aside while you were ‘seeking’ a short term, long term, or just a plain old sexual partner. You lie, you snoop, you sneak around and yet you get mad at me for being upset about it. You don’t understand why I would be uneasy when you say that you and the pretty girl you have a crush on are going to spend hours alone together – after you’ve spent months looking for a girlfriend. It seems so impossible for you to grasp the implications of your actions and that I have feelings that are being affected by your careless behavior.
And talk about communication. It seems as though it’s impossible for you to sincerely communicate sorrow, regret and admission of wrong doing. All I need to know is that you’re here and that you care and that your love for me is always strong. You can’t seem to talk about bad shit, but you are more than eager to talk about eloping or making babies – and that’s been almost immediately after I tell you how your words or actions have hurt me. That’s like saying “oh, I hurt you? Let’s sweep those bad feelings under the rug and talk about good things”. And I don’t buy your emotional tantrums when you are “tired of always talking about what you did”. I don’t buy it because you NEVER TALKED ABOUT IT! And that feeling isn’t tiredness – it’s guilt. It’s a feeling everybody gets when they’ve done wrong. It’s ok. It’s ok to express it. it’s ok to share it with a loved one – especially the one you’ve done wrong to. That’s what brings people closer. Avoiding it is what separates people.
You see, Hailey, it’s not that I wouldn’t want to elope (that’s why I proposed to you – to get married – and eloping sounds so exciting and romantic) and it’s not like I wouldn’t want to have another child with you, it’s just that I want to be excited about those things. If we’re talking about having another child, I don’t want that conversation to be right after (and in lieu of discussing) how you’ve spent the past three and a half months secretly seeking another intimate partner. There’s an order to these things. I would think you would want me to be excited about having another child. I would think you would want me to be excited to elope. But your seeming lack of respect and concern for my feelings only shows that you don’t care.
As for support? I’ve always supported you! (Even that hurts: when you simply ignore and neglect all the effort I put in.) Sure, I support you mostly logistically (which is still a lot and says a lot), but I also support you emotionally whenever you’re not pulling your emotional retard shit on me.
So, as for your seeming indifference towards my feelings, from my perspective, it seems A) you either don’t love me in that way anymore and have no respect for me, or B) you do love me like that but are scared of committing and opening yourself up to another person so you are doing all you can to sabotage this relationship, or C) you are simply so self absorbed that you can’t see anything but your own needs and wants, or D) you’re so completely emotionally retarded that you don’t see your impact on other people when you say or do hurtful things. I miss the connection. I miss the woman I proposed to. I miss my best friend. If this isn’t what you want anymore, please let me know.
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