Nov 17th 2009
Depression is nourished by a lifetime of ungrieved hurts…
I’ve been feeling really sick for the past few days, and home from work as a result…Which is a rare occurence for me considering I’m typically in great health and I really do love, appreciate and enjoy doing my job on a daily basis (well mostly)…So, consequently I had to go see the “Doc” today…Of course I’m not comparable to a Doctor or anything, but I thought I had figured out the culprit of what is ailing me, regardless…I assumed it was related to being unusually challenged lately and hormonally imbalanced, a stressful duo to say the least…Plus, heavy menstruation, check! Premenopausal, check, and feeling weary, check!
The “Doc” said while these issue’s might play a small part in the overall picture, or could just be merely coincidental? After some necessary testing, blood work and observation…The “Doc” concluded that I’m severely depressed…A little depression is normal for me during my monthly cycle after all, but what the hell, severely? Meanwhile, on the brighter side…my iron is low as well!
I had to practically beg my Doctor to let me go back too work on Thursday, instead of an order to take the entire week off or more…But as a compromise, I had to agree to take another antidepressant along with the one I’ve already been taking for a very long time now…And so it goes, I’m required to take 2 antidepressants to function properly as a normal human being *sigh*
It’s ironic, that on one hand, I have the tools of recovery to rely on…Which teaches me that I MUST finally allow myself to grieve, so what’s been damaged within me can be completely healed …One day at a time, I learn how to tame and manage my uncontrolled feelings properly…I’m becoming capable of loving and embracing my child spirit…By coming to terms with a Divine Power greater than myself and (sincerely) admitting that I am powerless to fight these battles alone…But with the Divine Spirit of Love by my side I’m becoming courageous and fearless…I’m becoming what I was destined to become…A warrior spirit! And the battlefield is complex, dark and vast when I’m confronting my sorrows and tackling my fears…I’m slaying the enemy and my inner demons, one by one…
But on the other hand…
What’s got me so down and defeated, is NOT within my power at all! Because as I just wrote, I’m much more confident in my internal struggles after all…It’s my brother! He is extremely toxic…I’m intensely worried about my little Ashton…My nephew is much like me in the sense that he’s emotionally sensitive, and he is very sensitive to cruelty…His Father is a very cruel and heartless human being *sigh* Ashton and I are very different from the rest of our family members and quite frankly just about everybody else we find ourselves surrounded by most of the time too…We’re both intellectual, and seekers of knowledge, we are tender-hearted, gentle and compassionate human beings…I know from personal experience that the very essence of Ashton and I, are qualities and characteristics that my brother considers weaknesses…And therefore he will do his very best to crush Ashton when he returns here in 2 weeks…I’ve looked into what rights I may have through the justice system to save Ashton from harm, and sadly, my being a lesbian alone will make the process intensely difficult to get custody of him…Although I’m by far the most qualified to give him the highest quality of life after all…Ironically, I’m the only one out of my family, who’s turned out for the best and capable of being responsible, plus have the wisdom to actually learn from my mistakes…
I feel powerless, but not in a healthy meaningful way…I feel powerless like I did when I was growing up…I was powerless to stop the damage done then…Now I have to ask myself and God, how am I supposed to stand by helplessly watching Ashton (the apple of my eye and my heart) slowly and deliberately being destroyed…
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