and all this time, i thought the old man was going senile

when in actuality, he was just freaking out, nervous, that i’d CAUGHT him!

recently, i told you about our old man neighbor. the ex-librarian hermit conspiracy theorist who (unknowingly?) breeds rats in his backyard and basement. the one that holly and i sort of take note of to make sure he hasn’t kicked it. the one i call the city about b/c i am honestly concerned that his house is a huge potential fireball since it’s (an exterminator told us, the one we somehow–temporarily, obviously–convinced him to hire) filled, floor to ceiling w/papers and books. the one who’s yard is so overgrown his weeds look like dinosaur snacks and have grown *berries* and things that resemble corn stalks. yes, him.

well a couple weeks ago, garbage day, now that i think about it, i was coming into our house or leaving it, i forget, and i see him walking up his steps. i say hello and i startle him (as per usual whenever i say hello or try to be nice) and when he turns around i notice he has a camera. i’m like, “taking pictures?” and he was like, what? and then babbles something about documenting dead rats in the alleyway. as if you couldn’t tell by my recent entry, this is not news.

i thought it was weird, but then again, he seems a little weird.

then i say something about the weather, about how it had finally gotten cold and then he starts going on about a play or something with the word “september” in the title. i can barely hear him, since he wears a hearing aid and must keep it up too high b/c he always whispers. anyway, he seems really nervous and just keeps laughing, all nervous-like, and going on and on about who knows what. i’m trying to be polite, but using the old, ok-see-you-later! body language (you know, when you’re talking but you start moving further and further away until the person you’re talking to, who obviously hasn’t gotten the hint yet, is 200-300 feet away but still talking) to make an escape.

finally i was like ok bye! have a great day! all the while shaking my head that the poor old man has finally started to lose his marbles.

then we get the “environmental citation” i mentioned the other day. you know, about not having our trashbag in the “proper receptacle”–which was actually leftover recycling that the recycling guys didn’t pick up. (please note: we’re the good neighbors. the ones actually committed to making our neighborhood a better place, and not, say, selling cocaine on our street corner, or buying it, or literally stuffing trash down chesapeake bay drainage sewers (remind me again why ppl eat living things out of the bay??) or putting our trash out unprotected from the elements (i.e. rats) three days before it’s picked up.)

well we’re requesting a hearing to object to the $50 fine b/c it’s friggin ridiculous. so i’m filling it out yesterday and checking off boxes:

“i request a hearing.”  i check off the box and sign and date it.

“i request the officer’s presence.” i check off the box and sign and date it.

“the citation(s) were issued based on information provided in an affidavit completed by a member of the public. check the box provided if you would like the affiant to be present at the hearing.”

WAIT WHAT?!

“aw HELL no!” i shout across the house.

i read the last part out loud to holly.

“THE OLD MAN!” i shout louder. “motherf*cker!”

“that’s what he was doing with the camera! he’s not going senile! HE WAS NERVOUS!”

we broke out our cell phone calendars and sure enough, we figured it out. the day he was out taking photos was right around the time of citation. the old man reported us!

you better beLIEVE i jumped on 311 (the non-emergency city call center) and reported absolutely everything i’ve been holding back. the cornstalk weeds. the rat factory garage (and smell of rotting rat flesh). the gutters (that we have offered to fix) that continually dump water in our basement.

here we’ve been kind to you. always polite. offering to help. but no. you had to take it this far. you had to make something out of nothing. so now it is on, old man. oh it is on like donkey kong.

we’ll see you in court! bring it!