A thousand times I beg your pardon for my absence these past months; and I do believe it has been months. I set out here to keep up a blog with consistent updates and yet I have let my writings fall by the wayside. I hope once you have read this, you, dear reader, will understand.
I had mentioned that there was a second love of my life, my dear friend since my high school years, who remained in ignorance of my true feelings. Inspired by the positive reviews with an uncharacteristic wave of courage, I set out to let her know at last my true feelings for her.
I bought several sheets of beautiful ivory marbled heavy weight paper, and hand wrote ten pages of my heartfelt love and affection for her in painstakingly precise calligraphy letters. I told her of my long held feelings for her, which began as innocent friendship and blossomed slowly but surely into so much more than that. I sealed it with a kiss…and I held on to it for a month, terrified to send it…
At last I mailed it, immediately certain I had done something terribly and irrevocably foolish. But there was nothing to be done; it was out of my hands. So I waited. Oh, how the days crawled by! I was calm, unless I thought of her, and then my heart leapt into my throat. I had written that I felt it would be terrible to say nothing, lest she be feeling the same and we lived our lives out in their entirety, each too shy to mention them. I said I hoped I was not coming off as a silly fool. And I asked that she let me know when she had received the letter, for I would surely be a nervous wreck until I knew where I stood.
At last came the day…she said hello to me, and there was an awkward pause…she said, “By the way, you can stop worrying. I got the letter.” My heart leapt once more, and my whole world stood still. “I can be so dense sometimes…” She said, then another pause. “I think I feel more like…sisters.” She said, and my world came tumbling down. I did not feel anything; it was kind of just a…numbness. I knew this was a possibility when I had written to her, and indeed I had said as much in my letter. I had also said I didn’t want things to get weird between us, so if she but asked it, I would never mention my feelings for her again. She did not, but we have not mentioned it again, so I feel that might be for the best…
Her rejection of me was not complete; she did not want to be lovers, but she still wanted to be friends. Because of this, it did not hurt so much as I just felt disappointed, but resigned to respect her wishes. More important to me is her friendship, and I would not damage that for the world. No, the rejection did not hurt me, but what came next did.
She told me she admired my courage for sending her the letter; she wished she had one tenth as much courage as myself. Why? Because she wanted to ask out a guy she goes to college with. I love her; truly I do. I only wish she was a bit less oblivious sometimes. Hearing her talk about how much she wanted to ask this guy out-this man who will likely be in and out of her life within a few months time, breaking her heart; which, of course, I knew I would hear all about as well when the time came-when in the same breath she had just rejected my heartfelt and sincere offer of deep and lasting love…was a slap in my face. It hurt, more than she could ever know; so much so that it brought tears to my eyes and I had to quickly and politely excuse myself from the conversation.
She will always be my friend, and I will always love her, whether she returns the feeling or not. I only hope she will someday find happiness, with or without me. And while I am sorry she did not return my love in quite the same way, I do not regret sending the letter. At least now I know where I stand, and though it may come with a price, all knowledge is worth having.
~Rozalin
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