No Lesbo

Because it is among the most significant, and most obvious, bastions of male homoeroticism in the United States, hip hop culture (like the U.S. Military and Fred Phelp’s Facebook page) is primarily composed of a delicate mixture of gay hate and woman hate. And now, the internet loves discussing hip hop’s “latest invention” which displays the genre’s constant attention to, and disavowal of, homosexuality. As you might expect given the media attention, the phrase “No Homo” is captivating to straights and gays alike, in its quiet revision of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” into something more like, “You didn’t ask but let me tell you anyway in case you were obsessing about it like I am: I’m not gay.”

Ever since hip hop became commercially viable (i.e. was white-washed into a constant drivel of black stereotypes and phallic symbolism that everyone can enjoy!), homoeroticism has been the scaffolding that props up the aggressive, ego-centric, party-hard, shoot-first-ask-questions-later masculinity that the record execs love to promote. They love artists and videos that say: “Women are nameless sex objects, gays don’t exist, good thing we homies can all hang out together. All the time. Alone. Do you want to have sex with that girl with me?”

“Ain’t no fun unless we all get some.”

Although it’s clear that “No Homo” is just a practical assertion of heterosexuality in this crazy world of mixed-up identities, Dear Breeder, I think it’s time we consider how to properly implement the phrase “NO LESBO” into our daily vocabulary, even if those words will obviously not be useful to the hip hop community (where guys get really turned on together as a group wholly focused on itself at the thought of girl-on-girl action). Here are some everyday situations where I think the phrase would be relevant:

“It seems like the underpinnings of patriarchal oppression are rooted in base-level male insecurities.” NO LESBO!

“I can’t find the muffin tin, and these cupcakes are due for delivery in three hours.” NO LESBO!

“What was the name of the weapon Xena used to kill Darphus?” NO LESBO!

“I think I might be having a miscarriage right now.” NO LESBO!

“Industrial-sized Tidy Cats were buy one, get one free at Target. And I found this cool crew neck sweater for $12.99!” NO LESBO!

“I really wish she had a more positive body image.” NO LESBO!

“Yeah, it’s sort of weird she tried to pass that off as gluten-free.” NO LESBO!

“Baby, can you run to the store to buy more Liquid Nails? I’m overwhelmed right now with re-gripping my tennis racket.” NO LESBO!

“Do you have time to talk?” NO LESBO!

“That seems like a risky song to listen to while you’re on your period. You really need to be emotionally present right now.” NO LESBO!

“I am plotting the overthrow of your racist and simple-minded gender regime.” NO LESBO!

Love from your affirmative lesbian yes-man,