What Kind of Drunk Are You?

There is no need to sugar coat anything in this writing, nor is there a need to be educational. People drink and people get drunk. The question to answer is, “What kind of drunk are you?” Alcohol has different affects on people. When you purchase a bottle of San Castillo Rum there is nothing on the label that says, “Caution drinking this may cause you to yell obscenities, screw half the baseball team, kiss a girl, pass out in a yard, etc. etc. etc.” And when you buy a bottle of Three Olives there’s no label that says, “Caution drinking this may cause you to throw up, cry uncontrollably, confess your love for your ex, etc. etc. etc.” No bottle of alcohol comes with those types of labels.

How do you know what kind of drunk you are? Sadly, you have to do a trial and many error before you can discover what kind of drunk you are. If you are a first time drinker you should have your first drink at home amongst close friends and not leave your house. There is no reason a first time drinker should be drunk around the general public. A first time drinker is probably going to go through various emotions. The alcohol has taken a hold of their brains and is spinning them out of control. They have not learned to control the monkey. They have not learned to tell that monkey, “Shut the hell up!” So first time drinkers until you figure out what kind of drunk you are, please, drink at home.

The discovery to what kind of drunk you are can be embarrassing and hilarious all in one.

We’ve probably all encountered the “Tell On Myself Drunk.” This is the drunk that tells all their damn business. It doesn’t matter if it’s who they have a crush on, who they hate, what they know, or how they truly feel about someone; they will tell it. This is NOT the type of drunk you want at a small social gathering; hell, you don’t even want them at any type of social gathering in which their words can be heard. The Tell On Myself Drunk should only drink with friends and will need a designated pal to nudge them and tell them, “Shut the hell up!”

The next kind of drunk is The Angry Drunk. This mudda sucka will ruin everything! This is the person that gets drunk and gets mad at anything! Doesn’t matter if it’s the party being too crowded or the ice cubes in their drink have melted; they will get pissed off. They will get loud and belligerent; swirling their pointer finger in the face of anyone. Shouting, “Why the hell are my ice cubes melted?” This drunk will also get offended at the slightest remark, “Your Polo shirt looks great.” To which The Angry Drunk will reply, “Oh, you think I’m rich cuz I got on Polo? You think I got bread like that?” Please, keep the angry drunk at home. Stop bringing them to parties; they’re only going to get in arguments over nothing.

The One Drink I Feel Good, 2 Drinks I Feel Everyone Drunk can be quite entertaining. This drunk will freak you and probably half the damn party if not stopped. It’s okay to let these drunks loose, because they usually don’t get into fights or tell any business and who doesn’t enjoy a free lap dance? If you’re lucky they might strip. If you’re super lucky they may kiss you! Brace yourselves, they may kiss several people that night. The One Drink I Feel Good, 2 Drinks I Feel Everyone Drunk is someone you want at the party. You may actually want 2-4 of these types. What you don’t want is a house full of them, unless you’re into that kind of thing. This drunk is also frisky with their hands. One minute their hand is on your waist the next it’s gripping your tushy. Music also enables this type of drunk. Refrain from playing Plies, Pretty Ricki, Ginuwine, and other assorted sexually suggestive music. The best way to deal with this type of drunk is to keep them away from people you know they will be attracted to. If you know they will dance on tables half naked, please do not take them to parties in which you know this behavior will not be accepted.

The Calm Drunk is the one you can take anywhere. This drunk gets their drink and sips quietly. They rarely talk. They enjoy the party, enjoy the people, and chill. They’re not rowdy, freaky, belligerent, etc. The Calm Drunk is who you want to hang out with. They’re not going to embarrass you or themselves. The only thing to be cautious about with The Calm Drunk is they may need a designated walker, however, you might not realize this until after they’ve tumbled down the stairs. But overall The Calm Drunk is a great drunk…if there’s such a thing.

The Invincible Drunk is NOT who you want around you. The Invincible Drunk believes they can do anything and will show you, “No, wait, wait, I CAN jump from that roof to that roof. WATCH ME!” *SPLAT* The Invincible Drunk will not only try to jump from high platforms, they will believe they can say anything without consequences, fight anyone AND win, outrun a car, and of course handle any situation with law enforcement. The Invincible Drunk should be kept sober at all times! If you discover that someone you know is an Invincible Drunk do NOT party with them, avoid the parties they will attend, and if you can, don’t let them get drunk. Nobody likes the Invincible Drunk. To all those who are Invincible Drunks out there I want you to know that you can NOT do back flips off the couch and land on your feet, you can NOT break dance, you can NOT feel up on someone else’s significant other, you can NOT chug Everclear straight, and the list of what you can NOT do continues!

The Situational Combo Drunk is unpredictable. This person will get drunk and their actions depend on their environment. There is not much more to say about this other than be careful. They may be calm at one party and at the next they’re jumping from the roof top or they are a combo of various drunks in one night; you never know. If you are a Situational Combo Drunk you need to figure out which types of situations trigger your reaction. That’s about all there is to say about The Situational Combo Drunk.

The Emotional Drunk can be entertaining and annoying. This person gets drunk and starts crying or confessing their true feelings. “I love you man! You’re a great friend! You’ve been there for me through everything!” Please note they may burst into these type speeches at inappropriate times. The Emotional Drunk may also be happy and then 5min later they’re sitting on the back porch crying, “The moon is so far away! Why?” Just hug the Emotional Drunk and go with the flow.

The Homo-Drunk and Liquor Lesbian…ugh! These are the mudda suckas who get drunk and turn gay. When they are sober they are “straight;” hugged up with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Then they get some liq in their system and *BAM* they turn so gay they can lead you to believe they planned the gay pride parade! NEWS FLASH: Homosexual behavior can NEVER be blamed on the a-a-a-alcohol. Please stop having 2 drinks and sucking penis in the car. Stop having 2 shots and making out with your female friend. It’s okay that you have homosexual tendencies. There is no need to hide them behind the alcohol. Everybody knows you’re gay; drunk or sober. It’s not a secret anymore.

 

So which kind of drunk are you?