love casts out fear

So as usual, I’ve been meaning to update. Last I left off, I was seriously praying about coming out to my parents…again. But given my mom’s health and my god-grandmother’s funeral, I wasn’t sure if it would be the right timing when I went home for a wedding on Labor Day weekend. I flew home a bit anxious, but leaning more on the side of at least starting the conversation again. I wasn’t even sure how to bring it up and was praying that something would happen naturally. God is good to me, b/c He gave me a good opportunity to start the conversation. On Sunday, my mom and I played hookey from church (I had enough of answering people’s questions about my mom’s health at the wedding the prior day). My mom was relaxing in bed around 9am and I joined her. We were lounging in bed and watching the US Open and chitchatting. Our conversation wandered to a mutual friend we know and my mom told me that he’s struggled with homosexuality (which was news to me at the time). I saw my door, and I took it. I told her that it upsets me that the church condemns homosexuals and forces them into dark closets where they may end up doing dangerous and/or damaging things to themselves and loved ones. We discussed homosexuality and the church for a bit (she talked a bit about how God’s standard is for a man and a woman to be together and anything altered from that (homosexuality, divorce, single parent homes, single people) occurred after the fall and isn’t God’s standard but isn’t necessarily a sin/wrong. This conversation was so different from the first time we spoke about it. My mom wasn’t giving me black or white answers. In fact, she refused to. It was almost like she didn’t want to take a complete, firm stand.

Then my mom said that she and my dad just want me to be happy. They want to see me married and happy. I asked her if they’d be happy if I married someone they didn’t like. She said, “as long as you’re happy.” Then I asked, “What if I wanted to marry a woman?” That’s when my mom curled up in a ball into the covers and said (sort of cutely), “I’m not ready to talk about that.” I asked her if we’re going to be like a typical Chinese family and not talk about major issues and ignore them to keep the peace. She said, “no…I’m just not ready yet.” So instead, we continued the conversation about homosexuality and God and the Church w/o directly talking about me and what I’m dealing with. I know I need to respect my mom’s space and what she’s ready for. The last thing I want to do is dump the gay bag on her and run away leaving her and dad to deal with everything on their own. I love them and want them in my life for as long as possible. The conversation ended without any tension or controversy and was a GREAT way to open the door to more discussion.

While I was at home I really wanted to speak with an auntie from church that I grew up with. I respect her opinions and wisdom and I know she loves both me and my parents. She would be the first parental like authority figure I tell from home (other than my parents obviously). I loved that when I told her she didn’t even bat an eye. No judgment from her. She listened while I told her everything – EVERYTHING! Including about my girlfriend. She suggested that I tell my parents as soon as I could but we also spoke about homosexuality and Christianity. She has the same views as my parents (which isn’t surprising since she goes to our church and my parents teach there). She brought up and interesting comparison. She said she has 2 different hand blenders with 2 different sets of blades. Each set of blades are made for that particular hand blender but it’s possible to mix and match. However, if you do, they tend not to work as well. It’ll work, but not as good as when they’re used with the hand blender they’re made for. I think what bothers me most about this whole “God’s standard is for a man and a woman to be together” is that if that was the case – Christians should condemn divorce, single parents, and people who choose to be single/never marry (which – wouldn’t priests/nuns/monks be in this category as well??) just as much as homosexuals b/c they’re also not fulfilling God’s standard. My point isn’t that those things are wrong – but that the Bible has been interpreted so differently over the centuries. Depending on what time period you live in, the Bible was used to validate what it as used to condemn a century before. I’m getting off topic here, though I’ll talk about this in another post – which will probably be in another friggin month.

After talking to my auntie, I was just mentally exhausted (I spoke to her the same day I spoke with my mom). I didn’t get to talk with my dad, but I assume that my mom probably talked to him (I wouldn’t assume the same if I talked to my dad, though). We didn’t talk about it again for the rest of my short trip home. A few days later, back in NY, my mom emails me (cc’s my dad). She said she was glad we had our talk but then mentioned that her old college roommate (who’s white) dated a black guy in college. And the gist of this story was that she dated him to be rebellious against her father and to be different. I responded and said that I don’t know her that well, but from what I know of her, she doesn’t seem like the type of person to do that. And, in any case, if she brought up her story to compare to me, I told her that I am not the way I am to rebel against her or God and that I’m certainly not doing it to be different. For goodness sake! I would prefer to be straight just b/c everything is easier! I’m already different enough being a woman of color – I don’t need another thing to add to my card. I asked her if I could send her and dad some books that I’ve been reading about being gay and Christian. I respect their authority and wisdom. I know that they’ve studied at seminary and know more about the Bible than I probably do. So I want to see what they think when they read these books that say that homosexuality is not a sin. A week or so later I get a call from her. She just wanted to just chitchat but I eventually asked her if she got my email. She got strangely sheepish again and said, “I like how our relationship is now. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize it.” I told her that if we love and respect each other that we should be able to be open and honest with each other w/o judgment or condemnation. She agreed with me. I asked again if I could send her books and she was very receptive to the idea and almost welcomed them.

I sent her 3 books – all of which I’ll talk about in future posts. So I’m glad that the conversation has started but I’m certainly not going to rush things. I sensed that my mom was scared to lose our close relationship again. At least one question is answered: no matter what, my parents will love me – so no disowning will occur…I feel like my mom (and hopefully this means dad, too) is more open to what I’m feeling. I feel like they’ve fully released me to God and aren’t trying to control me and my every move. This is definitely a step in the right direction. I feel less scared and the tunnel looks a little less dark. Love truly does cast out all fear.