Nov 15th 2009
I’m feeling sad, lonely and depressed today *sigh*
I suppose it doesn’t help that the river of femininity has started to flow today either…This certainly doesn’t help matters…Also, I really need to face the fact, I’m becoming menopausal…Admitting this to myself should ease some of my burdens I’ve been carrying around lately…It really explains and uncovers so much about my emotional state…I don’t believe that I’m having a mid-life crisis, no, I would rather believe I’m just beginning to live actually…This stage of my life is allowing me to mature, but not too necessarily conclude that I’m just old now and my life is half over though…At this stage of my life, I’ve found the courage I’ve needed for so long to confront my past, so I may be free from it all…I thought I had escaped from the past, mostly unscatthed…While therapy and counseling is making it very clear that the occurences, the abuse, the people, the pain, have remained with me all along, and I’ve escaped from nothing…Recently in a very emotional counseling session I finally admitted all of this was true…And yet I was still in denial! Because the fact was I’ve mislead myself into thinking everything has remained hidden, that nobody could see how fucked up I really was…I’ve worked really hard at learning how to smile and laugh my way through the pain after all…I thought nobody could see my vulnerabilities, unless I chose to let people see me in that light…Which was on a very rare occasion and with only a few people throughout…Or so I thought…Oh, but what a fool I’ve been…
Currently, in therapy…I’m having to lose all sense of myself, and rebuild…I’m told, that I must see that even my charming personality is just a place where I’ve hidden myself away, to keep other’s at a distance so I can feel safe and a sense of control…Everything I thought was true, is becoming false…What I thought was false is becoming true *sigh* Silly me, I thought I was hiding behind fat to feel safe…But I’ll be damned digging all this stuff up is really working after all…I hate to admit when I’m wrong, because I’m guilty of being terribly prideful that way…Although the 1st step is admitting that I’m powerless, and indeed I do admit that I am powerless…That’s all I know for certain anymore as a matter of fact…With every tear that falls, its enabling me to see the truth more clearly, and the light is shining brighter, uncovering me from the darkness as a result…However as the old saying goes “it is always darkest before the dawn” and I now know the truth behind this statement…
As I dig my way through the mire…The feelings become almost unbearable for me to take sometimes, but gratefully I’m learning the tools to stay with these feelings in spite of how much they hurt and crush me…And lo and behold, I’m being positively released through this process…All of the credit for my continued weight loss belongs to this process actually…I’ve crossed over into thinking of myself as beautiful and worthy of all that’s good in the world…I was incapable of ever thinking this way before…Although I still have my darker days, like today, they tell me to be gentle with myself in spite of it…They say on days like this it’s good to call a friend or do whatever works…What always works best for me is writing of course, but sadly my Sunshine was always trying to read in my journal(s) although I warned her that she didn’t really want to do that…But I swear the woman just can’t help herself sometimes, and she can be rather over dramatic as it is already *smile* and I surely don’t want to give her any reason…But you know, I love her, and she is my Mother despite herself, whom I treat with respect as much as I possibly can…And so it goes, I come here…Nobody knows I come here and I feel this is my safe place to be open and honest with myself…A place to unload many of the thoughts that circle around in my mind…
I’m surprised that people I don’t even know come here to read this stuff, but they do…Because I receive letters from people all of the time either wanting to hook up with me *pathetic* (probably the sex addiction thing that draws them to me? Sad but true!) or wanting to know me better *blah* or the people I actually do find worthwhile and appreciate, that write to share their life experiences with me too and thank me for helping them by sharing mine…Although I must always return a gracious letter letting them know that I come here selfishly, because ironically I don’t think of helping anybody but myself when I’m here unleashing my thoughts…But I understand it’s comforting for people like us (the outcasts) to know we’re not all alone in the world and that we all suffer…I understand this, and it humbles me in way’s beyond explanation…
On a completely unrelated note…
Erika stood me up yesterday, as I figured she would…But I won’t choose to hold this against her either, she is sick too, just like I am…Hence why we met at the meeting…Anyway, I went to the art festival by myself, although I could’ve called several people to go with me in her place, I chose to go alone and had a very nice time…I lacked nothing I needed to be happy and I was content and peaceful as I was taking in all of the beauty around me…But I’m afraid for Erika, as she chooses to isolate herself from life and the world around her…I understand this because I’ve been that way for a long time also…But the difference is, she is still young, which makes me very sad for her…I didn’t start isolating until I got older…When I was young I lived life to its fullest, I traveled all over the country, and I was always the life of the party wherever I went…I didn’t allow myself to be still or sad much when I was a young woman…It took years for all of my baggage to catch up with me…I see young people today, so overweight, so sad and weighed down by responsibilities and by the weight of the world and it breaks my heart…I cannot imagine what their condition will be by the time they reach 30 much less my age at 43…I took me years to get as fat as I was and this fucked up…OMG! You know what really fucked with my head when I was young though, I had really large voluptuous breasts, which I hated beyond all comprehension…Everywhere I went back in those days I would literally have a trail of men following me around…They never looked me in the eyes of course, they were always staring at my chest and I was an open target for creepy perverted men too hit on, constantly! Well, I didn’t like nor appreciate this attention from men whatsoever, but I knew all to well that I could have any man I wanted back then…However, I was as certain then as I am right now that I am and will always be a lesbian…Eventually, I had my breasts severely reduced in size though, I’m very driven to meet my goals after all, and undergoing a breast reduction was a goal like no other for me…And so it is…
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