I saw my stepdaughter last night for the first time since August. She recently turned 21 and we had our first legal girls night out together. She came down to visit with her boyfriend and a new friend of hers, who seemed respectable enough the morning after they crashed here upon their arrival on Monday. I guess he had no idea when they left at 7 in the morning that another woman was asleep in my bed, or maybe he would not have been so comfortable on my living room floor.
I got a phone call from Jenna on Wednesday at noon, and she reported that she was at my house alone and we would be going out for her birthday celebration without the boys. When prompted as to what happened, she told me that her new friend was not really ok with going to a gay bar. She asked him to have an open mind and I guess a fight ensued at some point. So, he dropped her and her suitcase off at my house because they couldn’t see eye to eye and Jenna was angry. I can’t say I didn’t secretly want her to myself anyway, but my heart broke that I have placed my stepdaughter in a position to have to stand up to her friends because her mother is different. It’s not like I can change the way I am hard wired.
I also felt a joy because I reared a strong girl: a girl who doesn’t back down, who stands up for what is right. A girl who is just trying to make her way in this crazy world and eventually will come out on top- even if she takes the long hard road. A beautiful girl with a beautiful voice and a musical talent that I so wish she would explore again. A witty, sarcastic (imagine that), sharp-tongued, fiery, feisty girl with a smile and laugh that can melt your heart. Someone with her own sense of style that she will not apologize for. A girl with her own mind, who would be happy to give you a piece of it when crossed. A loyal loving girl who I never tire of. She can tell a story that will keep you hanging on the edge of your seat AND make you pee your pants. She can make you laugh until your ribs hurt and you forgot exactly how good that kind of hurt can feel.
We had a great time listening to some amazing female artists last night. Jenna came away feeling empowered and special. This morning we laid around, listened to music, ate some Papa J’s, and talked, and talked some more. When she pulled away, that familiar lump in the throat returned, but oh, it is so much more than that. I am never fully complete without the daughter I reared. Life is not as colorful, my smile is not as wide, my twinkle is not as glistening. I love her when she is a good girl and even when she is very very bad. I have cried more tears for her than any man, woman, lover, or family member who has graced my life. She is my soul.
Two meanings of soul include: 1) the animating principle; the essential element or part of something. 2) the inspirer or moving spirit of some action, movement, etc.
She is an essential element. She is the animating principle. And, she inspires action in me. Somehow I know we found each other for this very reason.
A couple of days ago I was sad that I was taking today off and the weather report called for a 90 percent chance of rain. But when that car pulled away, rain was all I wanted. Rain to wash the tears away. Rain to give me a good excuse to cocoon and read and listen to the water roll down the windows. Rain to match how I was feeling on the inside. She’s right where she needs to be right now, but I sure hope the universe sends her back my way soon. Tomorrow is another day, and I’ve already gone to the garden center. I bought flowers in all of the colors represented in the dress she wore last night. The sun will shine again and I will garden in preparation for Spring. Everytime I see my flowers blooming, I will think of my vibrant baby girl blooming into all of her glory. The shit was all just preparation for growth. It takes a lot of shit to make your garden grow-and we have both been knee-deep in it at times-but now is the time to blossom and reach towards the sky. I love you Jenna!!
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