This week, Professor Susan Murray came to talk to us about intersections about race, sexuality, and gender.
We discussed two poems about being non-white and queer. In the poem “Baby Dykes” by Gina Montoya, I was intrigued by the line “Learning a new language: Lesbian.” What does that mean? Do I even know how to speak lesbian? I think that’s part of the reason why I want to be a mentor. I have always been interested in exploring who I am as a person. Now that I am older, I feel I am ready to explore the other parts of my identity, including the Filipino American part, and the queer side. I always considered these aspects of my identity just parts of who I am, but now I feel I can look at them separately now.
These identities developed separately from each other. I was raised Filipino American, and my queer-ness came along later. I never felt like the other Filipinos in school. I am not a hip hop Filipino, I’m not a hipster Filipino, I never joined a Filipino club or done a Pilipino Cultural Night. These are my own stereotypes and assumptions of Filipinos, but even then, I don’t find myself fitting into any of these categories. I’m not fully integrated into the Filipinos, but I’m still Filipino enough to set myself apart from my white friends. I think this is because I am part 2nd and part 3rd generation Filipino; my mom is an immigrant and my dad was born here. I am Americanized, but have strong ties to the Philippines. My father’s parents were first generation, and he grew up in a racist Santa Clara Valley, so was forced to be super-Americanized. I have inherited his Filipino-tinted American traits. Even though my mom is an immigrant and we have ties to the Philippines, my father’s American traits have dominated my mom’s influence.
I never really explored my queer-ness. I came out as bisexual to my parents while attending a Catholic high school. I think it helped soften the blow of having a queer daughter for them. I was out to the queers at school and most of my friends knew, but I wasn’t out to the whole school population. I was scared, and uncomfortable. I had to deal with my parents’ acceptance of my choices, and mostly I had to deal with my mom (my dad was completely fine with the whole thing). I had a good friend who helped me through my questioning period, and I actually went to a couple events at the DeFrank Center. I had a boyfriend when I was a senior in high school, so confused my parents.
My first year of college I had my very first girlfriend. It was at this time I really started questioning my queer identity. My first girlfriend never had a girlfriend herself, and was completely closeted as well. I was at UC Irvine my first year of college, and it’s a pretty conservative place. I reached out and attended Queer group meetings for a little support. It helped, but I knew I had to get out of Irvine. I therefore went to UC Santa Cruz my last two years of college (I finished early), and it was the complete opposite of Irvine. It seemed like there were queers everywhere. However, I found a similar problem; the queers of Santa Cruz were a little too militant and protest-like for me. Some of the queers seemed way too into their being queer and looked down upon other queers that weren’t their type of queer. I felt that I I just wasn’t queer enough. I was never a good gay, but UC Santa Cruz made me feel really inadequate.
After college, I dated both guys and girls. At this time, I considered myself a bisexual lesbian, meaning I preferred women but also went out with guys. Until recently, I never really felt like it was too important to explore my queer-ness. For the passed year and a half I have been in a committed relationship. My partner also went to UC Santa Cruz, but she was actually involved in the queer community. I have grown more comfortable with myself and my identity by being with her. The whole marriage issue hasn’t been a very big deal with us, but I am finding that it may be time to start fighting.
With all this being said, I find myself beginning to explore some overlooked aspects of my identity. I am focusing on Filipino American History in my graduate studies, and I am a mentor. There are many parts of my identity that I have already explored and been active in expressing, and I am happy that I have come to a point in my life I can explore these.
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