Oh noez.
And tonight’s “Meltdown” is brought to you by the D.C. snow storm, you know, the storm that dumped about two feet of snow on the Washington area over the weekend causing thousands of power outages and keeping many people home from work today. And it’s the most severe winter storm in years, which would seem to contradict Al Gore’s hysterical global warming theories.
- Sean Hannity
Having just finished reading Thomas Friedman’s Hot, Flat, and Crowded, I’ve been thinking about global climate change a lot recently. Having re-read Sean Hannity’s above comments about global climate change, I’ve been thinking about how I could possibly put a pox on all his houses. The entire climate change affair is truly sad for a variety of reasons, but the biggest of all is how it is viewed as a political, and by extension, partisan issue.
How in the world is “global warming” Al Gore’s theory? I know he invented the internet, but he isn’t THAT smart. Gore is simply the person with enough notoriety and public service credibility to disseminate the scientific evidence to a wide audience. But because of his role in politics, it morphed into yet another issue for pending Red state/Blue state civil war to argue about. It has taken the phrase “don’t shoot the messenger” to it’s extreme opposite, and it has come at quite a cost to our environment, our standing in the world, and the most primal and ape-like patience I may yet possess. Using this logic, Joan of Arc is responsible for the Hundred Years War that started approximately 75 years before she was born. Damn you, Arc!
Like most other “political” issues, climate change illustrates a classic failure to capture the essence of a situation. Rather than view our environmental policy through the lens of possible solutions, or better yet, opportunities, we instead argue about the validity of the science or the scientists to suit whatever party ax we wish to grind. As if any of us actually understands the science behind the climate change research…
Think of climate change as this photo of a shirtless Matthew McConaughey:
Oh my.
Sure, you may think of Matthew McConaughey as the dude who always gets high and plays bongos and is a dreadful, dreadful actor (is climate change simply cyclical or has mankind impacted global temperatures since the Industrial Revolution?). But if you’ll just pay attention, you’ll notice the amazing pecs and slicked-back hair, and the subtle HINT of an assuredly rock hard six-pack lying just out of our view (it doesn’t really matter if mankind did anything…let’s use this as an opportunity to secure our future!).
Whether or not “global warming” is real, caused by man, or anything else is irrelevant. Does anyone dispute that transitioning to a system of energy that relies less on a finite resource like oil that predominantly comes from a part of the globe that Jesus Christ himself couldn’t settle down is a good idea? We get almost 1 million barrels of oil per day from Saudi Arabia…you know, the country that bred 15 of 19 guys who committed the single greatest terrorist attack in the history of the United States? I guess if you’re going to buy a noose, you might as well hang yourself with it.
Furthermore, with continued emphasis on renewable energy sources in countries throughout Europe and the growing need for China and India to move away from an unsustainable energy model (a model they totally copied from the United States) because of the sheer size of their respective populations, the country that gets out in front of an emerging “green” energy industry stands to make what every economic expert from here to there agrees is a “shitload of loot.”
In short…why not just fucking pretend that man-made global warming is real? The benefits to the kind of changes that would be necessary to live “greener” range from gaining a brand new foothold of dominance in the worldwide markets to less dependence on people who would just as soon see Jessica Biel in a burqa. You make the change because it makes sense…use the reason as a convenient excuse, whether it’s legit or not. To say America needs a change is like saying Tiger Woods has access to a plethora of vaginas…in that both are true.
All of this is why it kills me to hear people dismiss climate change with stupid shit like “it’s 20 degrees below normal temperatures here in Kansas City, so how can the Earth be getting warmer?” ”Totally, man. I don’t know what everyone is bitching about with this economy, either, because my job is going great. Those unemployment figures must be rigged.” ”Yep, and since I have a black sister and niece, all that business about racism and discrimination must be some kind of hoax…hello! I’m white and they’re black and we’re family!” What a wonderful world this would be if it operated exactly as it does within our own tiny, meaningless sphere, yeah?
At the end of the day, the work of overhauling our energy infrastructure is a monumental task. It would require all sorts of sacrifices on the part of everybody, and the benefits may never be truly reaped by those who have sown the costs. But for anyone who actually cares about America maintaining its position as the leader of the world, it makes way too much sense to move forward and secure that position for decades to come.
Or we could just let China do it. Try Googling “lesbian midget donkey gangbang” if they become the world’s dominant society. YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO! And that clearly means that lesbian midget donkey gangbangs wouldn’t exist anywhere, ever, I think.
Climate change. Providing America with an opportunity to save lesbian midget donkey gangbangs.
Our time is now. Pass the lube.
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