Like most groups of people, lesbians often evolve, experiencing certain rites of passage along the way. But unlike their straight counterparts, lesbos often pass through them secretly, without ceremony or discussion, left to figure things out on their own, until they are lucky enough to find lesbian friends and mentors.
If you were one of the lucky ones and grew up in a hip, urban area with progressive parents, your “coming of age” story may be quite similar to any female’s. Unfortunately, it is less likely that your lesbo sisters who live in more rural areas, where religious beliefs often trump compassion and understanding, are enjoying the same acceptance and support.
Don’t get me wrong. “Debby Downer”, I’m not. Things are improving, due to a few high-profile souls, like Ellen. But let’s face it, the world is different for the rich and famous, so don’t get overly excited that Ellen got her own talk show, and believe that her success somehow proves there’s nothing for us lesbos to worry about anymore. It’s gonna take the average Jane to jump on board, demanding fairness, before we will all be taken seriously. So tune into your inner bitch and be strong. Life is hard enough, without settling for less, right out of the gate. No. I swear I’m not a preacher. You’re simply hearing me first thing in the morning before the coffee kicks in. Plus I know how far we’ve come since I came out, and I can see how much farther we have to go. We’re only about halfway there, if you ask me.
But back to rites of passage. Who knows, maybe that first kiss is that much sweeter, as an intimate secret shared only between two innocent girls, instead of discussed with giggling classmates. It has been suggested that anything considered taboo causes the heart to race and excitement to crescendo. In another day and time, I remember the thrill and taste of my first girl kiss. I thought I might spin off the side of the planet, suddenly on fire in places I’d ignored until that moment in my life. Instead of wallowing in adolescent angst of the ordinary variety, I vacillated between feelings of passion for my new love, and worry over being found out and ridiculed as a pervert by my classmates and family.
Speaking of rites of passage, getting married certainly qualifies as a huge affair for us all, regardless of our sexual orientation. For those of us who choose (just kidding) ”the road less traveled” in life, our decisions surrounding marriage and starting a family are often complicated by mothers and fathers who would rather ignore our “so-called” matrimonial unions, where we are already marginalized by society at large, being denied legal recognition in most jurisdictions.
Questions haunt us as we consider breaking free from the legal restraints placed on us by society. If we have a wedding, who should we invite? How will we feel if our parents don’t show up, or worse, humiliate us by ignoring us altogether as we plan the event. Will they show up for the shower, gift in hand and smiling, or will they instead hide in schedule conflicts and other excuses? Who will give us away? Who can we count on? Are we up for the emotional turbulence of testing the family, or will we, instead forgo the drama altogether, by deciding against a formal affair, relegating our own status to that of second-rate citizen, buying what the majority is selling in our actions, if not our words?
If the lesbian marriage dilemma is not enough to fret over for most sappho sisters, then the baby issue is sure to floor all but the most robust of spirit. A young lesbian’s maternal drive will be tested at length as she navigates the turbulent waters of how to have a baby or adopt one, without a man by her side. Many families who are willing to accept a marriage between two women, often frown in disapproval when their daughter considers parenthood, believing that all children need a mother and a father, like that’s the norm in their world of soaring divorce rates and absent fathers.
To my surprise, I have overheard even the most intellectual lesbians question their own motives for wanting children, worried that a child will suffer and be teased for having two mommies. If a lesbian decides it makes more sense to adopt, justifying their maternal drive and conscience more easily by coming to the rescue of an orhpan, then the court system may or may not be as receptive, often willing to leave the child “in the system, parentless,” rather than place them in a loving lesbian home.
You must be saying, tell me something I don’t know. As always, you know I’ll share my opinion. So here goes. The meek do not inherit the earth! It’s true. I don’t care what they told you in Sunday School. And, yes, I realize I may be challenged by some Bible scholar who will swear I have misinterpreted a Bible verse. Deal with it, okay. It happens. You know where I’m going with this, so shut up and stop hiding in the Bible. Even with its inarguable bestseller status, you must admit to the fact that there have been too many editors to really know what the author’s true intentions were. Does the phrase, lost in translation mean anything to you?
Religion aside, it is time to be bold! We have to show up for each other, when our families won’t. Once we claim our rights, as we are slowly doing over time, the heteros will come around. Lesbians are leaders. We have no choice, but to lead others through our own conviction, demonstrated through courageous actions instead of hollow words. If we lead, they will follow. But if we hide and shirk our responsibilities, the status quo will win.
And if you need more motivation than the lure of marriage, children, and basic fairness, then consider the older lesbian’s plight. Someday, if you’re lucky, you will be an older lesbian, if you aren’t right now. That’s when, a few supportive friends will act as family to support you as you pass through menopause and old age, often without children or governmental support systems that the “straights” have in place. If the idea of being treated “less than” in society simply because of who you love doesn’t make you angry enough to fight for equal rights, then consider the fact that you paid your fair share of taxes all your life, the same percentage that the “legally married” heteros paid, but you are forced to forgo the marital inheritance privileges afforded to your “straight” counterparts.
Anger isn’t all bad, despite what they taught you in school. Anger fuels progress. When you get really red-faced, furious about the situation, then you’ll possess the fire in your belly required to force change. “I’m just sayin.” Don’t get comfortable simply because you see a few lesbos on TV. The battle isn’t over. We haven’t heard the fat lady sing yet. That faint song in the background, is her warming up.
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