They say hindsight is 20/20. I have found this to be especially true looking back to see how I was bi/lesbian my entire life. I can’t believe I didn’t know it long before. At the time of all of these events, I had no idea that I was gay. I didn’t realize until the day after getting drunk for the first time. This is probably really boring to anybody who reads this, but this is for me and I find this to be one of the funniest and most confusing things I’ve ever done. I don’t know who I am anymore. But I think it’s ok to be a Christian and be homosexual. I’ll write more about this later.
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I was a good girl. An A/B student, enrolled at a conservative christian college. I was bright, a thinker, quirky, and fairly respected and liked as much as one can be without being one of the popular kids. I was part of a tight group of friends which we lovingly dubbed “The Family.” There were 3 boys and 3 girls. Each one of us girls was madly in love with one of the boys. It seemed like fate. It was all so right. And then, one of the boys and one of the girls who had been dating broke up without warning. And then the boy’s brother, who I was in love with, found out that I was in love with me and told me he did not return the feelings, despite us being such close friends- which gradually and slowly ruined our friendship. There was only hope for the last boy and girl. The Family still hung out together quite regularly, somehow, and we all rooted for this couple to get together. Eventually, they did. It was a fine November day when it happened, and I was best friends with the girl. I had worked hard to get them together because I knew she like him and that he liked her and it was oh so juvenile and oh so fun. She came back from a hike with him and found me to tell me the good news. I was ecstatic for her. Finally, somebody would appreciate how wonderful she was. I had been praying for this guy, that he would know how to love her. I thought I would teach him if he didn’t know how. “And I’m pulling at the loose threads now…”
I was an average girl from the bible belt. But then I realized I had been in love with my close guy friend, but even more than that, I was in love with my best friend-
My best friend who was a girl.
And somehow I thought that this must be normal to experience, that this happened to everyone. I didn’t really think much about homosexuality until later in my high school years because I was really in to politics and I thought, despite my conservative upbringing that they should be allowed the right to marry. Before that, I only heard my brother’s homophobic comments about gay men and the only homosexual people I ever really thought about were those flamboyant funny men I’d see on TV. I didn’t really think about lesbian couples. I was somewhat fascinated with a TV program on Bravo that featured a lesbian woman who I thought was kind of hot and could see the appeal, but again, I ignored my curiosity and didn’t think about it. When I was little, my family and I were fairly good friends with our neighbors, who I found out when I was a bit older were lesbian. My mom told me that they lived together like a married couple and that they loved each other, that they were each others husbands, but that it was wrong. I thought it was a curious thing. I didn’t question that it was wrong, but just accepted it, although I wondered why it was wrong if they loved each other and why we hung out with them if we thought that- they seemed like such nice people. The only other references to lesbianism I had, or really, homosexuality, were from my Aunt who talked about it in whispered, vague, and mysterious tones. She, never liking my home school conservative upbringing, would talk about people who were in much more conservative and strict circles than I. She would say that the way that girls are treated and the way they aren’t allowed to be around guys is going to cause them to do “unnatural” things. I didn’t really know what she meant. I know at the time I wasn’t thinking about sex between girls. Just some sort of vague attraction to each other.
I was 4,5,6,7+ years old. My best friend was Dani. We were inseparable- over at each other’s house as much as possible. Having sleepovers, playing lots of make-believe games, and just really cute little girl-friends. I had crush on a really close friend of mine. He called me on the phone and asked me out on a date, but I told him no. I knew it was just a dare and that he had done it just because he had a friend over and I was afraid they were mocking me. And then there was Dani. We would play house, but instead of each of us being a mommy and getting our kids together as our mother’s did, we would play daddy and mommy-she was the dad and I was the mom. Looking back now, I realize that was odd and I remember that we tried very hard to be realistic. And I have this memory of her by this play closet that we would spend hours playing in under the staircase that I can’t quite fill in with enough details, but I remember liking her. I don’t know… After Dani, there was another androgynously named friend, Robyn. We were neighbors, I thought she was really cool and she could have asked me to pretty much do anything and I would have done it. We too played lots of make-believe games, and, here again, she would pretend she was the boy and I was the girl. We even had a couple of weddings like this complete with a kiss on the cheek, I might add. I remember desperately needing these girls approval. Just as much as I needed the approval at that boy I had a crush on.
From the ages of 9-18, I always had friends that were much older than I and I had never really enjoyed friends of my own age, preferring the conversation of adults. I had a friend, Lee Ann. She was 4 years older than me and I thought it was so cool to be hanging out with somebody older than me. We went on long walks together, would find a creek and have mud baths because it made our skin so soft, she taught me how to play basketball, we would play dolls and we would build forts and play outside for hours together. I needed to be with her, needed her approval, never to mimic, but just acceptance. We were best friends for a few years, but then our friendship was ruined because I found out she liked my brother and she started to use me just to be around him. I was jealous of both of them.
In high school, I had three different best friends. One of them was truly like a sister. But the other two… Here again, hindsight is twenty-twenty. The first one was Randi. She was much older than I (5 years) and she just kind of took me under her wing. My brother had a thing for her, and they were always somewhat flirtatious, but she ended up getting engaged to my cousin. So, she was around a lot and she genuinely enjoyed hanging out with me. She was really quirky, vibrant, and funny- the life of the party. One time, I was really upset and she came over to give me a hug and I just held on to her tightly while I sobbed- into her chest, basically. And honestly, I never forgot it- the enjoyment that I got from that moment. I didn’t understand why I kept thinking about the way that made me feel. I only know that I was, but I just shoved it aside thinking that there must have been something maternal about that. I always had to be by her, be noticed by her, approved by her. But I thought that was because she was older than I.
My other friend had, once again, and androgynous name, Malachi. Looking back, I realize that I had a crush on her. I didn’t realize that. In all these friendships, I’ve always played the part of being a friend really well, even when they’ve liked a boy. I’ve always helped a lot with getting them together and I think it’s a somewhat sad and hilarious pattern. Anyways, Malachi… She was Puerto Rican. She was 2 years older than I, petite, brown-eyed, vivacious, and such a ditz. We had been friends since we were like, 6. She and I had the same piano teacher and our mom’s became friends. We would get in trouble for talking during our lessons and we were just cute little friends. We kept in touch over the years and in high school, we really became close. We had similar backgrounds, though she was raised in an ultra conservative house. Her and I were always somewhat “rebellious”- not really, but we thought differently than everybody else and so we agreed on many things. We were each others best friends. We didn’t get to hang out as much as we liked, but we did as frequently as possible. We swapped books back and forth with each other, practiced piano duets together, spent the night at each other’s house as frequently as possible talking all night sharing our life stories, and all of the other stuff normal best friends do. We were so close and in such agreement with each other that we decided we were kindred spirits and called each other “heart and soul friends”- she was the heart, I was the soul- and she even bought me the Willow Tree figurine that is “heart and soul” to commemorate that. She graduated because she was older than I and went to college in the same area. We saw each other less, but then she went through a really hard time because she was making poor decisions and her family was upset with her. She wanted to commit suicide, I talked her out of it. She wanted to run away, I talked her out of it. I was there for her in every way possible. We started losing touch because she just kind of ran away from people after that, though it took a couple of years to really be permanent. But recently she’s started trying to be a good friend to me, again. She’s happily married now. I mention her though, because looking back I can see that I was attracted to her. Like, a lot. There was this funny thing (well, at least I categorized it as “funny” at the time) that she did where she talk all seductively and we made up stories about it and called it her “vampire voice”. I always joked that she should use that voice on her husband- probably because it turned me on and so I thought it would do the same to him, although I would never have thought that myself in a million years. But I remember a couple of times be near her and feeling that attraction one feels between two human beings- that pull and electrical feeling between the nearness of skin. And in those rare moments, I thought of what my aunt had told me about girls in whispered tones, and I wondered if this was it. And I thought it must be, but I also thought that everyone must feel this way at some points in their life. That this was completely normal…
And then in college, I met a girl who would change my life forever. But that story is for another time. By the time I finish that, any one reading this is going to be incredulous at the idea of me not knowing. I’m only going to dedicate two or three posts to something so narrative because I want to write other things and in a different way. But this all needs background and I find these rambly posts easier to do that with.
The conclusion, though, is this: I’ve liked both boys and girls. I’ve had quite a few little school girl crushes in my life. Mostly when I was really young and more recently in college. In high school, I only was really attracted to one guy and it was a guy I only saw 5 times in high school. When I was a senior, there was a guy who liked me who I thought I might like, but we had only really talked online, though we had met once. But when I was around him, I just wasn’t attracted to him… like, not even a little. And I was almost a bit repulsed by him and the idea of touching him to hold his hand or sit by him or accept anything from him. I don’t know why. He was SUCH a sweet guy. We were best friends at the time. He was kind of cute- not drop dead gorgeous, but a good-looking lad. He was clean, thought I was great, talked to me every single night for as long as possible, etc. But I couldn’t bring myself to like him that much back, and I couldn’t understand why. I finally ended things with him because I decided that it was just one those unfortunate things that happen where I really was “just friends” with him because I couldn’t be attracted to him. And in college, I had my few crushes. And I had my friend who I absolutely fell in love with. I’m still quite attracted to him- he still makes me nervous to be around. But he’s really it. These other crushes have always been on their personalities or characteristics about them- not because I was physically attracted to them- until my friend. So, I think there is that rare guy that breaks my rule, but it seems like I’m quite the lesbian, just barely bi-, but that’ll probably change in the coming years if I keep this up. Guys just always seemed like these distant little gods that I was supposed to like and they were supposed to favor me. I enjoyed having as friends and I wanted them to approve of me, but the approval I wanted from them was different. I wanted them to think I was special, but I mostly wanted their friendship. I enjoy being noticed by them sometimes, but only guys I know. I hate attention from random guys on the streets and a lot of my friends just love that and eat it up. I never have. I want to feel pretty and loved and desired, but only in a certain way and I have found that guys don’t mostly fit into what I really want. And even guys that I admire, when I’m with them one-on-one, I just don’t click with them. Like, at all. I can’t flirt with them, I’m bored, and I just smile a lot because that’s what I do when I compensate. And movie stars, I’ve had my crushes- I think Christian Bale, Hugh Jackman, and Patrick Dempsey are hottttt. But even they are just more aesthetically pleasing to me than any real actual attraction. Well, Patrick Dempsey is kind of excluded from that. He kind of makes me gush. But, and this is where I’m tip-toeing out…
I have had more homosexual moments of attraction in my life than heterosexual.
Oh crap.
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