9/30, The Introduction of Sara to My Life:
I’m pretty sure I’m unwittingly flirting with this girl in my Queer Theory class. Her name is Sara and in class she’s just sort of androgynous but I ran into her at a party the other night where she came in drag and we talked for a while. I take it she spends most of her non-class hours in drag but identifies with herself as a woman. She’s cool and the way we sit in the room I find myself looking at her a lot… and she’s noticed. I just think she thinks that because we spoke at length at this party that I’m into her.
I’m hoping she’s sexually passive so that this doesn’t become an issue.
Are women who dress in drag typically sexually passive?
10/10 Throughout the last two weeks I have continued to flirt with Sara… and remain confused as to why. I consider myself a straight person. I begin discussing our possible-future-relationship with my friends, mostly for humor value. It is established that she would wear the pants in the relationship… because when my friends met her at that party she was wearing pants… and a beard. I am so confused. Today, I discovered that she has dated both a transman and a transwoman. A gay male friend of mine has admitted to feeling the need to flirt with her. She is a pansexual minx that Sara.
10/12 is a Sunday night. I spent it joking around about the confusion I feel over my crush on Sara. The audience was my church. I live in the church building actually, despite being an atheist. I hadn’t realized it was National Coming Out Day. Two members of my group came out. There was lots of hugging and tears. I felt bad for being so cavalier about my girl-crush in the midst of so much acceptance and confusion. Sexuality is tough. I’m glad the church I’ve found doesn’t deny its existence.
10/14 I may or may not have played footsie with Sara today. My foot touched something. I think it was her foot. I was afraid to look at her. Partly because I hoped we were being flirtatious and I was supposed to be coy. I realize that if it had been anyone else, I would have apologized for bumping into him/her. This new level of ridiculousness adds legitimacy to my crush. There is no turning back now. I tell more people about it.
10/18 4:30 pm
I may have a maybe date-ish with Sara tonight. We are getting together to watch a t.v. show for class and “hang out.”
Does hang out mean lesbian sex? Do I want that? I am confused.
10/18 5:30 pm
Sara just called to firm up our movie plans and I told her that apparently the film’s length is 6 hours. She told me to come over and watch until one of us falls asleep. I wonder if that means I am expected to spend the night. Am I reading too much into this?
Duhn duhn duhn?
10/18 is another Sunday. Over dinner and worship I discuss my pre-maybe-date-ish jitters with my church. Everybody laughs. The lesbians in the group encourage me to “do what feels natural.” They claim to have no preference for how this thing turns out, yet they offer to throw me a party if I decide to swing the lesbian-way. I try not to let my church peer-pressure me into being gay. It’s hard. I’m confused.
10/18 7:30 I’m standing outside Sara’s apartment with the DVD for class and some popcorn. I am nervous. She buzzes me up. Her roomates are just leaving, she tells me, and we sit next to each other on the couch. She makes adorable, artsy comments about the color saturation of the film. My heart beats a little faster. At one point, the characters say something or other and we both start writing in laughter. Somehow her hand lands on my thigh. Through our fits of giggles I try to assess how I feel about her hand being there. Am I turned on? At this moment, still laughing she says “That reminds me so much of my boyfriend!!!! He hates the word ‘pussy!’”
I am more confused than ever.
10/12 10:30 pm
Isn’t pussy sacred on lesbian dates!? Is she not a lesbian!? Is her boyfriend actually a transman!? Am I a bad person for feeling like that matters. I yearn for the days when I was straight.
11/28 Sara spent the past week in El Salvador, visiting an orphanage she worked with a year ago. Despite her absence, my interest in her continued… though I have more pressing interests in males. She and her boyfriend are serious, I’ve heard. Her boyfriend does have a vagina. The fact that she can see past that only makes me want her more. The class’s subject matter becomes more and more confusing. She continues to talk about color saturation. I fail to see how color saturation relates to the class but the professor is impressed. I am now confused for so many reasons, personal and academic, that I grow to resent Sara. I still want her though.
12/3 By now I loath Queer Theory class because it confuses me so much, but I love it because Sara is there.
12/5 I am thrilled to have finished my paper and be done with this quarter of confusion. My friend Liz writes me the following haiku:
Class with Sara’s done,
It’s finally time to go
Back to being straight.
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