To: the Love of my Life,
I understand that you can’t be with me. I understand that you are confused, trying to deal with the fact that you are attracted to me, and that you honestly think about being with me, but when you get to the point of sex, I’m naked and I’m a woman.I understand that you can’t even imagine yourself making love with another woman. I understand that you can’t seem to bring yourself to have that type of intimacy with yourself, you can’t even touch yourself during masturbation. I understand that you haven’t completed your sexual development and that you are not ready for this. I also understand that you want the house and kids. But there are a few things that you do not understand.
Please, listen. Read this and listen, not only with your mind, but with your heart. I need you to understand how I truly feel about you. I need you understand why I am more than willing to wait for you to figure it out. I need to say this to you, but I am too scared (of losing you) to use sounds, so read these words, and understand.
I am in love with you. Completely in love with you. And you are right, I can’t help it. I can’t turn it off, or down, or put it in a box. I look at you and know I would give everything I have including my life if it could make you happy. If it could make you see the things I see. I see the life, the caring, the sadness behind your eyes. I can see beyond the colors they change to, to the part that is you. I can see how you care for your family, how you would do almost anything for your friends. I see your sense of humor, the dry, the sick, and immature. I enjoy you. I enjoy being around you, even when you are crank-ass and I can’t fix it. I can’t help but smile at your anger; but only because I know how long it took to get you there and passion for the cause to stop. I love your strength, and how you show it with weakness. You willingness to let me do the fighting, to let me take care of you in that way. Your wit, your life experiences, your sarcasm – they keep me on my toes and remind me (just as they remind you) that I am the yin to your yang. I enjoy and need your intelligence, you social skills, the way you keep me in line. I love the space of you body, how it fills out all of your jeans, the size of your breast turn me on, even if they are an A cup. I could watch you walk away for days, and live on your laughter and smiles. I want to hold you in your sleep and protect you from the dark. I want to wake up to your voice, and sleepiness makes you you in the mornings. I want to continue our longs walks, and long talks, but with your hand in mine. I want to spend our hours of TV watching with you in my arms, or your head in my lap, or your feet in my hands. I want to know you years from now. I want to tease you, be tickled by you, be annoyed that you are not ticklish, poke you and be poked, laugh, hold you while you cry, and growl at the smart-ass comments that leave your lips.
I also want to show you the joys of sex. I want to make you moan, wiggle, sigh and scream. No, when I look at you the first thing that crosses my mind is not “Damn I want to fuck you.” It’s more like “Damn, I didn’t know a lady could make me feel like this, didn’t know she could be so beautiful and kind.” I want you to know that I would take it slow. I would check in, and show you the respect that I feel. I would be gentle and understanding. You know this already, but your needs would be first on my mind, because if you are not enjoying yourself, how can I? I would, with every part of me, make it more than worth it for you. And it saddens me, because while sex is not the issue for me (I could be with you without it, if you could be with me without it) it is for you. You can’t see yourself pleasuring me, and you wouldn’t let me do it if you couldn’t return the ‘favor.’ I need you to understand, allowing me to give you pleasure, to give you happiness, to give you my love: That’s all the ‘favor’ I ever need from you.
I think you know I love you. I think you know all of the above is true, I have told you some of it, there was the rest. I think you know how you honestly feel about me. I think you know I wished you’d stopped ignoring it. Understand this and read on.
There is a reason that you sit and think about us as a couple. We are already in a relationship, all we need are the labels: partners, lovers, fags. We haven’t had sex, but we are together; there really is a ‘we.’ Sitting on your couch, me playing with your hair. You wanting to cook me dinner and bring me a water. We know each better than most, and the time we spend together is not the only clue. It’s not just finishing each other sentences or knowing the others thoughts; but those are there, loud and clear. There are more things than my appearance that attracts you to me, even if you like my boobs. You are attracted to my personality, to my strength, to the gentleman that dictates my actions, to me me opening your doors and carrying your bags, to me knowing you are beautiful (inside and out), to me making you laugh and even me pushing your buttons. There are reasons you want me around, why you want to tell me about your day, your life, your dreams. There is a reason you sometimes need to talk to me in order to figure out how you feel about things, why I help you learn your opinions and attitudes. You know the reason, stop pushing it aside. Sex is not that big a deal, but love, love is worth more than the air.
Understand I see the truth of you. I see your fear, your humanity, your joy, and your tears. I see your skills, your passions, your laziness and ethics. I know the truth of you lady and I am dazzled by that it.
With that said, understand, I can’t wait forever. I mean, I can, but I shouldn’t. this place I now live, this world we both built, is becoming small and painful. It hurts to hear you say you want to be with me, you find me attractive, but can’t sleep with me. How much should my confidence have to suffer? At some point I will have no choice but to step back, and try to find someone else. I don’t know how I will do it, because what I feel for you is too big, and will take a lifetime to get small. I tried to put down that burden of hope, but it’s shacked to my hand. if I’m honest, the only thing I want is you and who can replace that?
My emotions run wild, my heart beats only for you, and my body dreams of the day I can touch you, my mind knows better and is willing to wait; but it’s out of words, so here is where this letter must end.
From: the One who Loves You
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