KAMPALA, UGANDA— The small East African nation of Uganda has certainly seen its share of hardships in recent history. From Idi Amin’s dictatorship in the 1970s to the armies of prepubescent abductee soldiers today, but nothing could have prepared the country for its most recent catastrophe: Gaybola.
Reported cases of the virus have been on the rise in Uganda since the country’s political and economic climates unfortunately began to stabilize in the 1990s. Areas with a high concentration of the virus are typically marked by an alarming rise in property values. The incubation period can vary drastically, affecting some as early as Primary School while sometimes not visible in others until retirement age. Individuals infected with the Gaybola virus are often clearly identifiable by an interest in fusion cuisine and promoting organically grown fair trade coffee.
In 2004, Uganda experienced an outbreak in the capital city of Kampala with a terrifying 12% increase in the arts, and fears of yet another viral outbreak have prompted many Ugandan lawmakers to support the controversial new Anti-Homosexuality Bill, which, if passed, would further criminalize the infection. While the proposed legislation has been met with much condemnation by the international community, proponents such as former Rick Warren affiliate Pastor Martin Ssempa of Uganda, as well as American evangelical and family group leaders like Don Schmierer of Exodus International and Scott Lively of Abiding Truth Ministries argue that failing to enact the bill could result in a Gaybola pandemic.
Mr. Lively, author of the book Seven Steps to RecruitProof your Child: A Parent’s Guide to Protecting Children from Homosexuality and the “Gay” Movement, strongly cautions parents in Uganda against the consumption of gay bush meat, as it remains a primary means of transmitting the Gaybola virus.
“Ugandans know well that we rarely have the good fortune of others,” said Member of Parliament David Bahati, who introduced the bill. “Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmedinejad says Iran does not have any cases of the Gaybola virus.”
In extreme cases, the bill would call for the execution of individuals infected with Gaybola, but even some of its staunchest supporters, like Pastor Ssempa, would like to see more compassion on the State’s part. “In delicate matters like genocide, it becomes increasingly imperative to look inward ask oneself what Our Lord Jesus Christ would do. By taking advantage of our rail network, for example, we could collect and contain these individuals into groups, or camps, thereby avoiding the ugly topic of mass extermination.” Mr. Ssempa then added, “I’m sure through exposure to Scripture and the strategic placement of positive slogans like Work Makes Free, I’m confident a large percentage of these individuals can even be rehabilitated.”
While the international community continues to denounce the proposed bill, the Ugandan government says the matter is an internal one.
Only time will tell the outcome of this chapter in the small nation’s history, as both proponents and opponents alike wait with bated breath to learn if they will ever enjoy organically grown fair trade coffee again.
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