I’ve decided upon something!
After spending the past couple of hours watching Jim Carrey (try to re-live his comic hey-day) in the film “Yes Man”, that the word “no” hasn’t been doing me any favours for me. It’s a word, which as far as I am concerned speaks louder and more often than a large proportion of my mind and body actually wants it to. I’ll give you an example.
Sunday night. Oh yes, Sunday. I don’t like Sunday’s – they have this dead vibe to them. Anywho, this Sunday was slightly more interesting; after joining a friend shopping, I met up with some other friends in the evening (I even got to boycott the predictable Sunday Roast!). After a few hours of chilling and eating chips, it was decided that my friend (I’ll name her Jenny), yes Jenny, would stay round my house.
Jenny I should state now, is the lesbian friend of mine. Y’know, the one with the girlfriend, the one who is the world’s biggest tease… The one who I often dream about.
Jenny’s girlfriend however has gone on a mini-holiday; which I must admit isn’t too much of a bad thing. I was even quite happy that she had gone away, as that oh-so-sneaky part of me rejoiced in glee at the mere prospect of spending time with this girl who for a long time, I’ve wanted!
But you see, that word “no”, and “don’t”, and “think about your girlfriend” got in the way of that.
There we was, not actually doing anything –but before anything could occur my mouth was speaking before I wanted it to. Once again, one tiny portion of my head stomped all over the rest of my body, and tricked me into a harsh denial of the one thing I could have so easily had.
I knew Jenny wasn’t blind to the situation, she was playing to my fragmented mind. My actions (which honestly didn’t extend beyond hugging, and back stroking) and my happiness of feeling her body radiate its heat towards my own (especially in such icy weather) was, not to say the least contradictory to that frightful word “no”. She can see it in my eyes, she says I am a bad liar – I’m not actually, it’s just that when I don’t want to lie, I can’t – and she continued if not more subtly with her flirting.
I’ll spare you the full details, but who the hell says no when a hot, ready girl whispers in your ear “Do you want me to make you wet?”
ME. That’s who.
I’m a fool. An idiot. A complete tosser and loser. I had my chance, and I bloody wasted it, by breaking the rule that I am trying so hard to keep – not to lie. Yet I did it again. I know that Jenny’s girlfriend, if given even half the chance, would jump into bed with anything that offered her the chance to – especially if it were a male. Yet I worry about her reaction, I worry about the consequences.
Fuck consequences, I need to stop worrying about things which I can’t guarantee!
Thus, I need to set about my new mental revolution into writing. From no on, in such situations whereby I find myself eagerly wanting someone, and in situations whereby I can have that person, and they offer themselves on a plate, I shall not lie and say no. I shall endorse what the majority of my person wants, and ignore that tiny, but oh-so-powerful portion of myself which has the innate ability to control and destroy said situations.
I reckon if more people follow with this, we could spark a global revolution!
x
(Oh, and Happy Holidays!)
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