Dec 20th 2009
The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave behind a sense of security and calm that is not easily disturbed. It is just these intense conflicts and their conflagration which are needed to produce valuable and lasting results.
Carl Jung
I decided to have an alcoholic beverage last night. Considering that’s not something I choose to do very often, it only takes me about half a drink to feel, hmmm…lubricated *chuckle* I thoroughly enjoyed it though…I felt very relaxed and mellow, so I took advantage of the stillness and crawled right up into my bed and my proverbial shell, cuddled up with Mia and ruminated on 2009 coming to an end and all of the events that have occurred in the last year…
In reflection…
I think the brilliant quote above by Carl Jung accurately sums up the year for me personally…In the past year I’ve got to know and understand my immortal child spirit…I’ve learned how to provide safety, care, comfort and healing to this child spirit that dwells within me also…Essentially I’ve made peace with the Divine, and I’ve made peace with myself, as I exist today, as an adult…
I’ve had amazing miracles happen to me in the last year too…
Most unexpectedly and out of the clear blue sky, I received a very sincere apology from Wanda for all of the damage she brought upon my heart and my life…She asked if I could find it in my heart to forgive her? I must be honest, that was an apology I didn’t think I would EVER receive!…It came as a shock to me, because Wanda was always so prideful and stubborn in the past…However I’m fully aware of my own character defects after all…And even I’ve managed to battle through many of my personal shortcomings in such profound ways! Therefore, I was truly honored and touched to accept her apology and forgive her completely, unconditionally…
After all, I loved Wanda very deeply and she was my best friend and my heart…I allowed myself to become so very close and intimate with Wanda in a way that I’ve never done with another human being before…Of course, we were together for a very long time also…Which in the grand scheme of things, remains the fact, that at one time neither one of us could have imagined living without the other..Yet we had also become extremely toxic to each other over the years too…I loved Wanda so deeply but I never felt the proper chemistry with Wanda that I was supposed to either…I believe with all of my heart that Wanda and I were only meant to be the very best of friends, but mistakenly we became lovers instead, and then we progressed on to having a long-term relationship…A relationship that was lacking the essentials from the very beginning…Although after saying all of this, I maintain that Wanda was the most perplexing soulmate that I’ve ever had…Because I was closer to her than I’ve ever been to another human being in my entire life, and while it’s certainly true that I never felt any of the necessary sexual chemistry that I shared with Bahar or Jessica…I loved her so very much in spite of that anyway…I’ve learned much through my past experiences with Wanda…Unfortunately I had to learn that love all by itself is not enough to make a relationship everlasting …I was always sad and longing to feel something more for Wanda…Yet, each time our lips would meet, I felt nothing…Sexually, I felt strange, bored or nothing at all…It was hard for both of us, that I’m sure of…I would try to talk too Wanda about breaking up, so we could remain friends forever…But she wouldn’t hear of it…I tried to move to the other bedroom and she would come sleep with me wherever I was anyway, or beg me too come back to our bed…We could cuddle and hold each other very naturally though, there was never a problem there, however that would just wind up frustrating me sexually in the long run *sigh* I knew something very significant wasn’t right after all, but I was confused because this was my love and my partner throughout the years…But as fate would have it, eventually Wanda and I did end up destroying each other completely, both mentally and emotionally…Wanda would become so full of rage, to the point that she scared me very badly…It reminded me of my childhood and brought back some very traumatic events for me from my past…Yet, she still became more abusive over time anyway…As for me, I eventually became severely depressed and shut down emotionally…To the point that I felt no feelings whatsoever…But even then, she still didn’t want to let me go! That is of course until she found somebody else and then she let me go without effort, or so it seemed too me…But you know honestly I’ve worked through all of that stuff finally…Thanks to Bahar showing up in my life…Before Bahar’s arrival and her presence was felt in my heart, I never did deal with Wanda and I…
Foolishly, I tried to erase everything and sweep it all under the rug of forgetfulness…
I ate food with a vengeance and I bought and obtained stuff! Stuff that I thought would cure me and release me from the entire situation with Wanda…A few years ago I bought myself a motorcycle, and as a result I could have almost been killed…I landed myself a ride in an ambulance, strapped down, with the ambulance guys cutting my clothes off of my body with scissors on the way to the hospital…I suffered broken bones among various other misfortunes…So, after months of healing and missing work, riding a motorcycle was never the same for me again of course…Although I made myself ride again to face the fear, it just wasn’t the same…And I sold my motorcycle…That’s how I perceived myself getting over Wanda *chuckle*
Then I became heavily involved into the BDSM scene and learning the ways of being completely submissive…Physical pain became what I thought I needed to heal myself…Meanwhile, there was this deep and strong underlying feeling within me that I had to get myself psychological help to deal with my entire past at some time or another…But I was so frightened by the prospect of facing my fears, my inner demons and worst of all, my childhood…I knew until I found the courage to do this, I was essentially lost in the darkness…And the BDSM lifestyle is especially suited for those lost souls lost in the darkness after all…I never allowed myself to become sexual with anybody, but I would allow somebody to dominate me, completely…I was searching for somebody to give me what I thought I needed, physical pain…And there is/was no shortage of these kinds of people…
But among some of my darkest times, there came a gift, an incalculable treasure arrived for me about one year ago from this very day…Bahar…”My precious pumpkin”
When I was crawling around in the darkness, the only light that ever remained with me, was the hope of love…I waited and I waited for love to show up and finally it did…After 6 long and lonely years, love finally presented itself to me in the glorious form of the most exquisitely beautiful young woman, many miles away from her home…She is from a small island that sits upon the divine sea…Her love was an invaluable gift to me…If I had been rich beyond all measure by possessing all of the money and treasures in the world…I would have traded it all for the pleasure of loving Bahar, even for the short time I was allowed to be in her life, it would have been worth it all, and a fair trade to me…My memories of her will live on forever within the spirit of my heart and my mind…I’m awestruck by the enigmatic way(s) that one life can so profoundly touch the life of another…
Bahar inadvertently led me through a mystical door that truthfully I didn’t want to open with her, mostly due to our age difference..But she enchanted me in a way nobody else ever has before also, and from the very first time that my lips touched upon her lips, I knew she was the one I had waited on for so very long…But to further prove the fact that Bahar is truly my soulmate and it was our destiny to love one another…Divine intervention lead me too pick up and read this book recently, and this particular paragraph touched me so deeply that it literally brought tears to my eyes…This is who Bahar was too me, she is my lesson in loving someone so deeply and with all of my heart and soul…She remains my lesson with each passing day, as I learn to let go of her, and release her, despite the fact I love so very much, and despite how much it has hurt me to do this…Meanwhile at the same time, I’ve had to learn to trust in a power greater than myself…And I’ve had to learn the hard way, that looking at the big picture I have no control over anything but myself and that is actually the most monumental struggle I face…So I know beyond a shadow of a doubt it was nothing short of spectacular fate, that this book and I obviously become acquainted with one another…
And this is what I was meant to read…
“A true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soulmate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soulmate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soulmates they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over. Your soulmate’s purpose was to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and then beat it. That was her job, and she did it great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that this relationship had such a short shelf life. So you miss her. Well then, send her some love and light every time you think about her, and then drop it. You’re just afraid to let go of the last bits of her because then you’ll really be alone, and you are scared to death of what will happen if you’re really alone. But here’s what you gotta understand. If you clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using to obsess about this girl, you’ll have a vacuum there, an open spot-a door way. And guess what the universe will do with this doorway? It will rush in-God will rush in-and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed.” (End of paragraph)
It may seem rather esoteric, but I firmly believe every word of the paragraph above…And yet I also believe that life and love are often serendipitous and as a result our individual destinies are the culmination of our lives being precisely and mysteriously intertwined together…I believe that we are given free will as human beings, of course…However, on the other hand I also believe that our souls are guided around by divine intervention and ultimately we are predestined to fulfill our personal destiny…Although, honestly I’m not certain why I believe this, but my heart and mind belong to the cosmic dimensions or universe, which ever you prefer…Just as I believe in both intelligent design, creationism, as well as evolution too…I believe that humans are guilty of being too presumptuous and conceited sometimes…Like we are capable of comprehending the spiritual realm, or God, for that matter…Nobody can tell me what to believe, and in general I do well to listen to that small still voice within my being that I call the Divine Spirit of Love (God). For you it might be Yahweh, Allah, Shiva, Jehovah, or you may simply call it the conscience mind or instinct, I don’t care either way, it’s a personal decision for every individual after all…Which leads me to something I’ve been considering for quite some time now…It’s true that I only have about 7 or 8 weeks left before it’s Valentine’s day and I’ll be free to date if I choose too or pursue any possible love interest…But I don’t think I’m interested in doing anything like this, even after Valentine’s day has come and gone…If I seek the path of intimacy with another human being and get into a relationship in the next year, this will surely divert most of my attention away from the deep insightful work that I’ve begun…And most importantly, I’m very peaceful and happy with the way things are right now in my life…Therefore I’ve been seriously thinking about pursuing an even deeper spiritual relationship between myself and the Divine Spirit…I think for the next year I would like to dedicate my life too much deeper meditation, wisdom and guidance…
Although I believe that my soulmate will arrive when she is supposed to, therefore I need not concern myself with it anyway…And I should probably continue on with learning the fine art of living one day at a time, devoting myself to every moment…But I should also keep in mind how detrimental it is to want to stray ahead or too far behind…Optimal living can only be found in this very moment after all…
Movin on…
We cannot change anything until we accept it.
In the last year I voted for change…Although it’s brutally hard for me accept how little change has actually happened *sigh* I’ve been extremely disappointed by Obama. And this health care bill has become a fiasco for all Democrates…And as a liberal, progressive voter, I for one, feel betrayed by the lack of willingness by the Whitehouse to fight for something a lot better than what is being settled on, thus far…The house bill was at least acceptable, but the senate’s bill is incomprehensible…I mean c’mon, really! WTF are they thinking? Therefore I send a shout out to both Joe Liberman and Ben Nelson to fuck off! You dare to support the insurance companies and line your pockets with the same money the insurance companies deny people health care coverage with, and the result of this is these people’s blood are on your hands…How evil and greedy of the Republicans for being so obstructive throughout this whole process…But how especially shameful it is when it’s the folks I supported to make sweeping changes to an otherwise broken system, you know the change that was promised…Blah! And OMG! I can’t even get started on the Gay Rights issues this administration has failed so miserably to defend…
Otherwise this has been the greatest year of my entire life so far…Sure as an adult, it’s also been the most painful to date, but it’s ultimately been the year of my freedom in the end…The Freedom to Trust and Love without fear…
I need to go too bed now, considering I’ve got too get up at 4 a.m. My normal route isn’t running for the next several weeks so therefore I must fill in doing Andrew’s route since he is on vacation through Christmas and New Year…But I don’t have it so bad either…I have off Christmas Eve and Christmas day while I’m still getting paid for both days anyway…I love that! I’m getting paid like I’m working, but I’m not working! I’ll be having fun! And getting paid! *smile* On that note…I’ll say goodnight now and sweet dreams…
Most Sincerely…
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