Today is my 1 year anniversary of coming out. I had to fight the urge to make cupcakes with rainbow frosting and get a candle. I’m truly a dork. A big, super-gay dork.
I was out doing errands, and was putting things away in the bathroom. I’d been talking to myself (the way sane people do) about a conversation the girls were having. Good looking movie stars. I couldn’t come up with a single one except Brad Pitt. I was informed he is ‘gross’, ‘old’ and ‘yucky’. I could think of 100 good looking female actresses. So, there I am, putting the shampoo and toothpaste away in the bathroom and I say out loud, “It’s not like I’m gay or anything.” and as I said this, I stood up and caught my reflection. The look in my eyes. ”Oh shit.”
I pretty much cried for 3 days following. I tried to tell myself it wasn’t true, but it’s kind of like telling yourself that the moon is made of cheese. Nice to think about, but you know, deep down, that’s a lie. I even made a list of Gay/Not Gay. It’s a pretty funny list, actually.
Not Gay
- Occasionally attracted to men.
- I like meat. (That may seem really funny but I was lead to believe that lesbians were all a bunch of granola eating tree huggers)
- Fooled around and liked it.
- Voted Conservative.
- Pro military.
The other two aren’t…appropriate to share. They make me laugh.
Gay
- Occasionally attracted to women. (Hahaha…I crossed out ‘occasionally’)
- The men I like are somewhat femmy. (Brandy would always tell me I liked boys who looked like girls)
- I would love to wear a suit, tie and suspenders and fedora.
- That thing in college.
- Hair/clothes (My Dad always told me that I dressed like a ‘dyke’)
- Loved “The L Word“
- Wanted to be a cop (Lots of lesbians are also cops? So I was told.)
- Still a virgin.
- Panicky about sex.
- The cats.
- I’m funny. (Everyone would say ‘You’re just like Ellen!’)
- Enjoy boyish clothes.
- Can’t name a lot of hot male actors but have a long list of female ones. (The thing that started it all)
- Everyone says I am.
- Eliza Dushku (Rachel: ”Are you sure you’re not a lesbian? They love her!”)
- Sabotage my relationships. (This is probably just because I’m a broken human being)
- Short nails. (Hahaha)
The first person I told was Rachel. We took a drive and she kept saying things about gay people, you know, nice things. So I told her. Burst into more tears. She took me out, we got drunk on red wine and then dropped me home.
After that, it was pretty easy to tell everyone. I had nightmares about telling my parents for a while. It didn’t go as badly as I thought it would. It took them months to freak out. Got disowned.
Somethings I’ve learned from dating girls…
- First times suck for everyone.
- Girls feel everything at warp speed.
- Gender roles are confusing.
- Just when you think you’ve got them all figured out, they do something completely random and out of character.
- “I’m fine” is a bad answer.
- They want to be chased.
- They want space but what they really mean is I want attention.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
- All of them want babies. Even when they tell you they don’t want babies, they secretly want babies. Hide the turkey basters.
Celebrated by having brunch with Rachel & Monkey. Heard about how awful her boyfriend is. Leh bailed on me.
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