A year ago yesterday I broke up with my last ever boyfriend, so though I am very much single this Valentine’s Day I consider it a celebratory anniversary of sorts. Though I had never done anything to ummm…., cultivate? my interest in women I had been open with him (the ex) about it, identifying at the time as bisexual. He was, as so many piggish men are, fascinated by it– whenever possible he brought up the possibility of me making out/hooking up with another girl, in his presence of course or the ultimate: a threesome with me and another girl. (I would like to take a moment to clarify the latter was never a possibility, whether or not he could acknowledge that reality.) Anyway, back to a year and a week ago, he finally succeeded. We spent the evening with another couple (close friends of mine) and a few too many games into the evening, my friend and I ended up making out… The ex and I broke up a week later 
. It’s funny because the kiss with my friend was not earth shattering. The heavens did not open up when her lips met mine, the touch of her skin against me didn’t change everything I had ever known in the world, but when I stopped kissing her and went back to my boyfriend… I just couldn’t make myself do it. I couldn’t complete the ritual I’d committed to a hundred times before. I couldn’t let him touch me and react the way I was supposed to; I couldn’t motivated myself to tremble at the right moments, or at least in the right way. And as previously stated, I broke up with him a week later– I just couldn’t fake it anymore.
It would only be fair to clarify that I did not walk away from this relationship with brilliant clarity as to my sexual orientation. I still identified as bisexual for a while (throughout the relationship with the first girl and then the second) and it wasn’t until an unfortunate kiss with a male colleague that the lesbian bells started ringing. However, I am still going to attribute much of my transitional period to the end of that last terrible, terrible, relationship. Which brings us to– the celebration! So regardless of the fact that I’m single, and regardless of the fact that I’ve spent the bulk of this holiday doing homework (ugh), today is a happy day. Today I remember my last day of imprisonment (the imprisonment of my inner self that is– I’m glad he’s an ex but he wasn’t evil) and the first days of my venture towards freedom.
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! I hope that today, whether you’re with someone or not, you’re the you that you’ve always wanted to be!
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