Its beautiful out…
And I’m still sick. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just sick in the head. Seriously…off my rocker…
Maybe, some days.
Lately, I’ve wondered quite a lot. Not that I ever truly stop wondering…dreaming…
dot dot dot.
It’s been sometime now since I left OH, 6 months actually. Half an entire year. Though why does it feel like just yesterday? Just yesterday I walked hopelessly through streets temporarily on loan until I found my way back home…
Back here?
Who knows anymore…what “home” is. Home, was…with my mother. She no longer inhabits this planet, so…home is now anywhere I am longer than 3 months. Since being home I’ve been doing so well emotionally. OR so it seems if I stay busy long enough not to notice the fucked up shit that is festering in the abyss of my brain. Creatively I did some things I said..I’d do for ages. Felt good to express myself for me…again. And not a paycheck. But I speak too soon, of course, as always my words get ahead of my thoughts. I’ve hit a road bump, in a way. And I’m trying to figure out how to get back on course and salvage my integrity.
What’s next? I know what I’d like to do next…in moments. In others I know what I should be doing. The economy has greatly effected the amount of shoots I’m booking. Not that I really care, but my bank account does. I’d rather spend all day drawing, or sewing, or writing. I’d rather spend all day lying in a field of hay…watching the night reveal itself from day…
I’m not cut out for this dog eat dog, negotiating, hollywood shit.
I never was.
I’m still getting used to the physical responsibility of my old…but new life…somehow..hmm…
This is not easy. Writing this… I feel I’ve been biting my tongue in some of my past alliterations. And honestly, it’s been killing me. Which is so strange. Why does it kill me to not express? I don’t know half of you that read what I write. For years I blogged on myspace about this, that and the other and the release felt so amazing. It didn’t really matter if anyone was following my words or not. I guess in a way I’ve neglected my true thoughts since having this “actual” blog. Or maybe it’s just fear? I can admit that possibility.
I’ve been scared of being myself again.
Why? …is what I should be asking.
::sigh::
I can already sense this is going to be LONG.
And if you make it to the end, well…thanks. <3
Anyhow, I was talking about hollywood crap. I think. Damn memory. But it's hard…here..in California. I feel so unlike my regular self. And considering the struggle I've had with weight fluctuating the last year it's a wonder I haven't given up entirely. I don't want to whine but(to be followed with total whining) what you look like is such a big deal here. Picture perfect at all moments, every second you're in public practically. God forbid an indecent photograph end up online somewhere that makes you cringe to exist.
In all honesty I think the weight "issue" is somewhat to blame for my increased social anxiety. I'm used to being one of the smaller types, and not that I ever judged anyone who was bigger…but I liked being tiny. Curvy always but tiny nonetheless. I never thought twice about whether an xs or small would fit. There were times I did unhealthy things to stay that way, but the results I couldn't live without. Then fast forward to a personal unravelling in which a city girl found herself lost somewhere in the midwest…resulting in extreme depression and some extra padding. Before I could even realize what had happened it was a few dress sizes too late.
::exhale::
I looked in the mirror and I wanted to die.
I was so wrapped up in…everything and nothing at the same time…I neglected myself. In more ways than one. So to say it's been a struggle and a half shedding this unfamiliar shell…would be an understatement.
Now halfway back to me…physically at least… I still want to die some days…when I see my reflection. I'm almost back to who I once was, but some how it's not good enough. Not small enough. Not "perfect" enough. I seek perfection for a living. Why should I not abide by the same standard I expect from my subjects.
Though…it's a wonder I find the most beauty in the imperfect hiding behind the perfect.
The shadow of a day…
The insecurity hiding behind a set of dentistry magic…
The gleam of light casting off of her skin in the moonlight…
hmmm.
I’m getting ahead of myself. I got lost in my head for a second…or two.
I enjoy that place…losing myself…
dot dot dot.
I wish…I could lose myself in…
her.
Perhaps for a lifetime?
Where has my train of thought gone? Some one please find it for me.
I guess it seems that’s where my mind wants to wander, so I might as well let it have it’s way. I promised I’d set my fingers on the computers keyboard and just let. it. flow.
So I’m letting it flow.
It also seems I have flowed into a love affair that is…one sided…maybe…possibly. I don’t really know. I’m not even sure I want to know. For fear that everything that has commenced thus far will disappear into the abyss and the future will become obsolete. Some people scare easily. And the vast continent of my heart can be quite alarming to the meek…and/or romantically malnourished.
But what do you do when you want to let it all out…and the “who” keeps it all in? What if you don’t even inhabit the…in… that is within them? And you’re just visiting…
I don’t know what to want anymore.
I do know I’d rather have the friendship with “extras” rather than nothing at all. But…”more”…on a technical plain with loyalty claimed as “mine”…would be nice.
hmmm…
I’m having one of those fearful moments again in which I stare at my fingers on the keys and pause word after word… unsure whether or not to let my insides out.
Fearful she’ll know too much…and I will be undone.
Are you reading now? Can you see through me?
::staring at computer screen::
Oh my god…love is torcherous.
I’m too old to feel this way…childishly withholding.
How do I even feel?
Maybe…
It’s all…
one very long daydream…
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