We have been in therapy since we began having flashbacks in 1996. We were with the same shrink until this past October. We were stuck. Had been stuck for years. The Shrink was not very concerned with what had been done to us or to our constant dissociative interruptions. Death by CBT.
All of life, we heard, is about making smart choices. Trauma work? Bad choice. It’s ovah now, nothing to do but move forward. Dissociation? Poor choice.
So. Transference issues really never came up with Shrink. She appeared to be inhuman. We would prattle on about these horrific acts done to our body mind and our soul. Nothing but silence. Stone, cold silence. No reaction of any kind. We were so afraid of her that we never thought to ask why. The message we received was that there is no horror, no good no bad no nothing. PerhAps the woman was thinking that she didn’t want to encourage us to feel badly about it. Whatever. We heard that she just really never cared.
So. It never occurred to us to get attached. We carried on, thinking of all the ways our head was screwed to be sad or angry or confused. We failed to understand why we couldn’t just choose to be one soul.
For reasons currenly unimportant, we chose this past fall to switch things up, to see a specialist in trauma and dissociation. See how we could get “past it” jiminy quick and get back to the nightmare who was, to us, our unfeeling savior but our savior nonetheless.
Hum. We saw T once and all plans of going back to the evil CBT flew out the window. The woman listened. She told us that trauma actually IS a bad thing. She explained why we couldn’t just will away the alters that were the screaming howler monkeys of our mind.
Wow. See, when somebody tells of some horrific event, T actually reacts. She tells me that yes this was bad. She talks to our alters and makes them feel better. She has put to sleep a poor little seven year old girl who Had never slept before.
T is solid. She tells us that sometimes she is sad about the things that bastard did to us but that she can handle it, tha that is her job. To sit with us and hear the shite and take care of herself All at the same time.
She does attachment therapy, T. And if has totally changed our life. After over 45 years of hiding blaming laughing blanking out self-harm splitting our mind and personality and otherwise not dealing with it, we are finally just doing that. Dealing. Beginning to feel the rage is what is coming out first.
We are able to do this because we have a place to go that we can trust. That place is with this woman. T, T, T. She knows what she is doing. The whole trust thing is such a novel concept that it gets confusing. But from the first time we talked with her face-to-face we knew. She is strong enough to take if and she cares. Finally, finally. Somebody gives a shit.
You can probably see where this is going. red, the little 5 year old, has a total crush. She keeps bringing T little presents so she doesn’t make her sad. To make her happy. Pomegranates so she doesn’t get the flu. Hah, what can one say. The kid’s only five. T says let red know that she doesn’t have to do that, that I can take care of myself that she doesn’t have to have that job. But red will persist for as long as she can. Because she doesn’t know how else to say I need you and I trust you. Mostly because it’s never happened before. Not from good people.
There are others, of course. They have varying degrees of suspicion. But in time they will be having red’s experience and then of course the shit will hit the fan.
T is asking for it and this is how:
I will never hurt you I will protect you from your uncle Norman he will never find you here. No bad people will ever hurt you here. Yes it was a horrible thing he did to you. Tha was just awful. It was not you fault it has never been your fault. Bodies just do what they do. That doesn’t mean anything good happened from it. You could not control that it just happens. No dissociation is not a choice there are many very traumatized people in you and that is REAL. Who am I talking to? Well I’m very glad to meet you I’m happy that you came to tell me this. It wasn’t your fault. Who is taking care of you? How does that work? I want for you to heal. I want for you to be happy. If it’s too hard you don’t have to tell me I will just sit with you, okay? Uh, how awful. That must have been terifying. It was terrifying, wasn’t it? I know how you feel, you know. I care about how you are feeling. Do you feel that. That physical pain right now? I know you hurt. Yes. Yes I do I know that you are hurting.
Yes, that’s what I hear. Well, she asked me not to discuss it and I will honor her privacy, just like I will honor yours. You need to get together with them so we can work this out. Can you let the adults have Their Time? Take turns? Yes I’m sure that it was scary seeing that but that is something that adults can do as long as it Makes them happy. That is not time for you. I care about you all, about all of your parts.
I want for you to stop hurting her. You are being counter-productive by re-traumatizing her when the system’s upset. Can you try that, just for three days until you’re back here. Yes you can comeback. Why do you think you can’t come back? You think I feel differently about you because you have told me that horrible thing? Well I don’t. I do not think any less of you because of what they did to you. No I don’t because you are not what has happened to you. Your essential goodness has nothing to do with those awful, awful things.
You are strong. You are brave. You are working so hard and I want you to know that as much as I know you hurt right now that this is a good thing. This is a sign of major progress that you are creating within yourself.
This is not funny. Do you know that, do you know that this isn’t funny? I notice that you do that, that you laugh alot about it. But what happened to you was totally, totally vile. Your humanity was stolen and your childhood. Your ability to trust, to bond, to feel. This. Is. Not funny. Stop hiding.
I know how much you hurt, you know. I do. I know how much you hurt and I am very, very sorry.
Do you see? Do you see now how she begs for us to get the Transference Bug? Hahahahahah.
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