After recording my video Genderqueer: Attempting Clarity I received the following private message and thought addressing the message publicly would provide some much needed insight.
Peace Lib,
Wow, thanks for sharing. Checked out your last post. Gave me some thoughts about our past correspondence. Interesting to say the least. I would like to know though, for clarity, what makes you heterosexual? I mean the obvious has to do with the male genitalia. But to a certain extent, that could be reproduced with devices. But it seems that wouldn’t satisfy you, or maybe it would. But I’m talking about for good. For the male genitalia to be attached to an actual male, what is the difference to you? My question is what is it about being a heterosexual gender queer female that you find attractive in having sex with an actual man than a device or another woman with a device? Is there something about an actual man? Im just thinking of how you say you would have to be with a certain type of man, a gender queer. But if this man act feminine, or a mix of both I guess, certain aspects of him just having a penis as a man and you dont and his ability to give you something that a device couldnt do says something about your feminity to his masculinity.Not that this dynamic surfaces in all aspect of the relationship, it would seem it does in this aspect. For if it didnt, a device would suffice (hey that rhymes). Does that mean that the ideal man for you would be someone who has a penis, but doesnt have the typical male sexual urges so you could govern when you have sex? Or are you the type of female that has high libido so that is no problem, even though this could change,but until then, he’ll be satisfied? So that’s my question, what is it about an actual man that you prefer over a device or woman with a device that confirms your sexuality as being hetero?
This question reminded me of when another tuber asked lesbians: “If they liked women why date one who looks and acts like a man” or the general idea that if a lesbian uses a dildo then she really likes penis [or that lesbians period really want men, but date women out of anger toward men, fear of men, or an inability to acquire the affections of a man]. I think our very restrictive norms regarding sexuality lie at the root of this, in addition to common misunderstandings regarding the definitions of the words sex, gender, and orientation which we often use interchangeably, and which I unfortunately interchanged myself in the original video. Only a couple of days ago I read one of the best distinctions between these three terms in the comments section of the GenderqueerChat channel here on youtube. This explanation was provided by ftmichael, and went: “Sexual orientation is separate from your sex and your gender, which are about who you are; sexual orientation is about whom you want… Sex is between your legs [as in genitalia]; gender is between your ears.”
What makes me heterosexual is my physical attraction to the body of the opposite sex, versus my lack of attraction [aside my own body] for that of the same. It isn’t just the penis that I am attracted to, it is the hardness of the male form, the shape, the difference in our sensations. [Although I question how much this has to do with birth and how much with socialization] These things cannot be gained from a toy, or a woman wearing a toy, because my sexual satisfaction is also not one sided. Part of the excitement of having a fully functional member is that the person attached to that member also gains pleasure from me touching their genitalia. If this is still difficult to grasp consider your own orientation. If you are heterosexual, as I assume you are, could you be sexually satisfied by a feminine man and a palm pal [a male masturbation toy shaped like a vagina]?
In relation to my gender attraction I prefer a balance, someone who is both masculine and feminine, as opposed to a hyper masculine individual or a hyper feminine individual. That is why a fellow genderqueer, either hetero or bisexual is my ideal.
I also want to note that what I read in my original video was an excerpt from a much longer email. The paragraph prior to what I disclosed publicly, flat out says I am not bisexual. However, I am not opposed to the possibility of being in a relationship with another female. Should I personally develop a romantic bond with a woman, I would not fight this, and would at least attempt sexual intimacy should we both be interested. However, as I previously stated, I have never been sexually attracted to a woman. [although Gina Gershwan's character in the film Bound intrigued me, and she has amazing lips, I don't really get excited about the thought of her the way I have various men (masculine or feminine)]
I want to clarify something in regards to my attraction in general that might also help. I have levels of attraction, and the best way to illustrate this is to share with you this story. The first week I was in New York I saw a physically attractive guy who lived near my campus. I liked the way he carried himself in addition to his overall look. One day I was hanging out with some guys in my apartment and he passed by with a couple of girls. The ladies attracted my male friends and I suggested, since I was also physically attracted to the guy, that we invite them up. We hung out for less than five minutes. Why only five? Because when he opened his mouth it was obvious that he was arrogant (not confident), and a bimbo, for lack of a better word. All of a sudden he wasn’t attractive, not even physically attractive, and every one of his flaws were almost over exaggerated in my eye. I suppose that’s my brain balancing out my eyes’ superficiality. I ended it learning later that the guy was a womanizer, and after I bumped into him a few more times he very quickly recognized that I was not the type of pickings that would allow him to mooch sexually. This made us much more tolerant of each other.
Anyway, I hope I answered that question.
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