So I’m in Trader Joes the other day doing my weekly grocery shopping penance – being unemployed, one does chores and errands as penance to reduce guilt. I stop at the top of the canned goods aisle to check my list so that I wouldn’t leave without some essential staple like Carla’s favorite Raspberry Jelly Sticks – if you think I am exaggerating about the essentiality of this particular food item you should be me when I’ve come home sans the sticks, *she shivers at the thought*. Anyway, I’m checking my list when I hear a woman screaming, of course, at first I was startled but then I realized that it was not a “help me” scream but more of an exasperated, “I may kill you any minute” scream. Sadly, I know this scream well. As I turned around to see where the voice was coming from, my brain tried to make sense of what I was hearing – it sounded like something, something, something…Quiche. “Is it the Gouda or the Havarti that goes with the Quiche? THE GOUDA OR THE HAVARTI…SHIT!” Oh, I get it…its cheese….a tiny elderly lesbian screaming about cheese. By the time I understood the problem she was not only shrieking but had the two cheeses in questions clenched in her fists shaking them manically above her head – it occurred to me that she looked like Gertrude Stein had Gert been a hundred pounds lighter and smoking crystal meth while shopping in Trader Joe’s for cheese .
The object of the tiny Gertrude’s display was another small, old dyke – Alice?- who was seemingly oblivious to the whole scene. (Ok, why do lesbians always seem to choose their partners according to similarity of body type? Seriously, heterosexual couples do not do this – I think someone should do a study.) Now, most people would assume that Alice was hard of hearing, but I knew better. I am fully acquainted with the look of mortified oblivion that was plastered all over this woman’s face and I knew that her next move would be to slowly and as nonchalantly as possible move toward her partner without making eye contact. She knew instinctively that to move away from her partner would cause Gert to descend into a complete meltdown. By moving towards her, she will hopefully be able to turn her shrieks into a harmless look of annoyance until she can reach her and guide her slowly away from the innocent onlookers. I watched in wonder as Alice performed this maneuver flawlessly. Carla has performed this move on me so many times that the people gathered around usually think its performance art and throw change. My respect for Alice deepened as she gently removed the Gouda from Gert’s hand and placed it into the cart – and without another word, the two resumed their shopping.
I finished my own shopping with a light heart. Witnessing Gert and Alice’s exchange gave me a sense of comfort knowing that as we grow older, Carla will always be there to rescue us both from public humiliation with a firm but loving hand.
All right – now what’s next on the honey do list:
- Have spare key made
- Get watch batteries changed
- Pick up Rx
- Drop off dry cleaning
- Pick up dog poop in yard….
T.
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