A good majority of the visits to this blog are people searching for things like, “Love God, love people” or “fulfill the law.” It makes sense why Google would send them here; it is the title of my blog after all.
If you are one of those searchers, you probably quickly figure out that this blog isn’t what you were searching for. But please, don’t let that stop you from reading. Don’t you want to hear the ramblings of a gay ex-Christian girl?
I wasn’t one of those lukewarm Christians, either. Even my very Christian mom called me “fanatical” when I threw away all my R-rated DVDs (that I’m now having to buy back… gah!). I’ve been on international mission trips. I have a Bachelor’s degree that focuses on mission work! I went to Bible College because I wanted to explore the Bible so much deeper than my church was taking me. I wanted to serve Jesus more than anything. I wanted to make Him happy. He was my whole identity… my whole life… my passion… my love.
I had “lingering doubts” about God throughout my entire born-again life, but I always shoved those to the back of my mind, attributing them to Satan or my fallen nature. When I fell in love with my best friend, and she actually fell in love back, I had to confront a part of me I had also shoved to the back of my mind: the nagging feeling that I liked girls, and I had no interest in the boys. After many prayers and tears, I finally accepted that gay is just what I was, and I would never be happy trying to play it straight. However, this was in great conflict with my church’s teachings.
To make a long story short, I considered myself a gay Christian for about a year, but I could not ignore how hated I felt by my so-called spiritual family… people who were supposed to be closer than blood. I also had to confront that other nagging feeling in me: that Christianity was a lie. It was a long process, one I’m still going through, but I can honestly say that I feel much “freer” now than I did when I was supposedly free in Christ. My brain just cannot believe in him anymore. It conflicts with my reasoning.
But I’m not here to convince you lurkers to leave your faith. I couldn’t do that anyway. I would just like you to read some thoughts from someone who used to be one of your own… but someone most of you would damn to hell if you met in the streets. The reason I want you to read is not so you can sort of get to know ME… but because someone close to you is probably going through the same things I did. Please, don’t hate them. Seek to understand.
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