Dear 3,
you’ve been away for just over two weeks now. this time is different… you are gone for so long, and we are just starting our life together, we have so much to talk about and work out… the kids thing is just the tip of the iceberg.
i’ve been thinking so much lately about that conversation we had the night i got upset about the way you acted at your work party… we came home and i cried and asked you if you were in love with me, and you told me you don’t believe in being in love. i know you told me that before, like the first month we were dating. but i thought it just meant you were scared to say it. i didn’t think it actually meant you don’t ever expect to feel it.
and i’m having a really hard time reconciling myself now, trying to figure out what i’ve got myself into. when we started dating… when *you* pursued *me*, and told me you wanted to kiss me and then later that you wanted my life to be with you… i thought it meant something, i thought it meant you were attracted to me, and now i feel decieved… and lost, and pathetic, and lonely. because i let myself fall in love with you, and you have not taken that leap with me, and here i am falling, and alone, and lonely.
i don’t want to just be someone you can stand to be around, someone you get along well with, someone who’s mobil and unattached to anything else in life. THAT”S NOT LOVE. that’s a great friendship, a good roommate, but it’s not dating, it’s not love. you dont show me that i do anything for you except make your life easier. i dont feel from you that you need me or want me, any more than you need or want a housekeeper. i never get the impression that you miss me or get butterflies because of me or can’t resist touching me. all of these things… these are what make love LOVE and not just friendship. and you don’t seem to have them for me.
so what if this life is great? if we have a great place and great friends and a house full of animals and our stuff that all matches? so what, if there is no love, no spice, no undeniable attraction to hold it all together and keep us from wandering, going separate directions? can i really lgive that up to keep living this comfortable, lonely life?
i dont know.
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