Dec 3rd 2009
Today has been brilliantly beautiful…
I’m amazed by my new found ability to have such a great day despite the calamity lurking in the shadows…My little brother being released from jail today…He and my Sunshine will be here tomorrow, sometime…Meanwhile keeping on the bright side, I really enjoyed the peace and quiet and having the house to myself though…I thought I would end up missing everybody by now, but I haven’t, not even in the slightest way…I suppose that is best left unsaid however, but I’m not sure what I should say when my mom asks me if I’ve missed her? Which she will most certainly ask of me…I can’t lie, so perhaps I can get away with simply giving her a hug or something? *chuckle* Of course I wholeheartedly pray for their safe return home…But they could have all stayed gone much longer is all I’m saying…Well, my brother could actually stay gone forever as far as I’m concerned, but what can I do? I must make the best out of a bad situation…But I’m definitely being tested by his return…I hope that I can and will rise above this circumstance…And yet my anxiety is already mounting day after day, I’ve noticed that I’m slipping back into some minor self-mutilation and my weight is slowly climbing back up again…Although I cannot be terribly hard on myself about these things either, because I’m suffering from dreadful anticipation of his arrival tomorrow…But I do see some light at the end of the tunnel here as well, because I no longer strive to be perfect anymore, therefore I’m actually capable of being honest with myself most of all…Simply by realizing that I can never be the perfect daughter, friend, lover, and so on…No matter how hard I’ve tried to be, it is always certain to end in failure everytime…Clearly I recognize that I’m currently taking steps backwards and not forward…But I also keep in mind that I’m merely a work in progress and this is to be expected after all…I’m a human being which makes it purely impossible to always manage taking steps forward, being human translates into taking 10 giant progressive steps forward and 5 encumbering (but necessary) steps backward also…I will fix myself when I’m able to do so…Until then, I will maintain doing the best that I can, for I understand completely that this is all I’m capable of doing…
As for what I’m not willing to do or capable of doing…I will not try to solve whatever transpires between my family anymore…Meaning between my Mom and my brother for the most part…I’m absolute about this!…The only person I’m willing to step in and save at this point in my life is Ashton, of course…He is a child and helpless to defend himself after all…Other than that, I’ve released the rest of them, most especially my Sunshine…Although I love her with all of my heart and soul, obviously I can’t save her from herself and the destructive choices that she makes…Lord knows I’ve tried for the better part of my life though…I’m truly thankful and also fully aware of the fact that I’m powerless to save anybody but myself (and Ashton) I have the serenity prayer embedded into my heart for safe keeping in my moments of weakness and disillusionment when I think otherwise…This is yet again, progress over perfection at work in my life…
Moving on…
I’m eternally grateful that it takes so little to make me abundantly happy! The very beautiful girl who rides my bus and melts my heart with her smile everyday is like receiving an endless supply of the most precious diamonds to me…Also, I think of her in this way…She is like a beautiful work of art, much like a Monet in a gallery (if you will)…It is wondrous to behold from a short distance away, but if I step too close to it, my vision gets diverted and what was beautiful from a few steps back becomes just a big mess up close…And you know, she really is such a lovely woman/person…But my need to possess what and who I’ve loved, what and who I’ve wanted, what and who I thought I needed for true happiness, has been nothing but a useless burden for me throughout my entire life…But under Divine counsel and supervision, I’m currently learning a better way, a more effective way…Too relinquish my desire for possession, thus my heart will be free to love and be loved in return freely…I will love, but I will not possess, I shall be loved, but I shall not be possessed…And one day I will be trusted with the keys to unlocking the mystery of an everlasting love to call my own…No pun intended *wink*
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